


Call It Hope

by SilverOpals394



Category: Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Jane Austen Fusion, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Astrophysicist Adam Parrish, Childhood Friends, Demisexual Ronan Lynch, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Healing, M/M, Musician Ronan Lynch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27787696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverOpals394/pseuds/SilverOpals394
Summary: It's been almost ten years since Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish have seen each other. They spent a summer together before they were forcibly separated, something Adam has always regretted, and that Ronan has always mourned.When tragedy strikes the Lynch family, they find themselves in each other's orbit once more. But the years have changed them – Adam is thriving and works for NASA, while Ronan can barely hold himself together, the future of his music career looking grim.Declan Lynch thought he'd finally found someone he could open up to, maybe even someone he could love, but his hopes are shattered when a moment of vulnerability leads to betrayal.Will the Lynch brothers always be unlucky in love? One driven by logic, the other by emotion, can they learn something from each other in order to find happiness?A modern AU inspired by Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility
Relationships: Declan Lynch & Matthew Lynch & Ronan Lynch, Declan Lynch & Ronan Lynch, Jordan/Declan Lynch, Joseph Kavinsky & Ronan Lynch, Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 53
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

Adam Parrish wasn’t used to getting the things he wanted.

But finally, he’d made it. Here he was, back in D.C., a new job at NASA and a Ph. D. behind his name. And he loved it. Work was something he actually looked forward to every day, and now, riding the Metro home, he felt almost peaceful.

He wasn't sure he knew how to deal with that, to be honest. 

He’d lived in D.C. before. The last time he was here, he’d been interning at NASA while still in school. Juggling the internship and a side gig as a mechanic had been difficult, but that was nothing he wasn’t already used to. 

But this? Having one job, and no school? Adam didn’t really know what to do with himself. 

It might be easier if he actually had any friends. 

There was Hennessy, but he hadn’t heard from her in awhile. That wasn’t out of the norm, though, so he wasn’t exactly worried about it. Hennessy was what some people called a free spirit, traveling from place to place, living life on a whim. 

She sent him postcards, sometimes. It had started out as a joke, but grew to be something he kind of looked forward to. 

He’d had friends when he was at school, of course, but they were all spread out across the country now and he hadn’t ever gotten especially close to any of them. He liked them, certainly, but there wasn’t anyone he _needed._

Sometimes he thought there might be something wrong with him. It would make sense, after all. He knew the scars his father left on him were more than just physical. 

But he also knew it wasn’t _all_ on him. Because he’d had that kind of friendship, once. The kind that’s so encompassing you don’t even notice how deep in it you are until it’s too late. 

But he’d fucked that up. 

So maybe it was his own fault he couldn’t seem to get close to anyone.

The people who owned the apartment building he currently called home were friendly enough, he supposed. It was a small building, just four apartments, and the owners had turned the two on the ground floor into one big apartment for themselves. The other on the second floor was open, though Gansey had mentioned something about it needing a few repairs. 

The aforementioned Gansey (full name Richard Campbell Gansey III, something Adam admitted he’d cringed at when he’d first heard it) was friendly, polite, and would be the perfect landlord if it weren’t for his incessant need to try and bully Adam into being more social than he was inclined to be. 

Perhaps bully wasn’t the right word, maybe Adam was being too harsh. He knew Gansey wasn’t _trying_ to be bothersome. Blue, Gansey’s girlfriend and co-owner of the building, was better at sensing when to stop pushing, and had thankfully reigned him in a bit. 

Adam had actually known Blue, once upon a time. Not very well, but enough for her to be familiar when he’d come for the apartment tour. And who could forget a name like Blue?

They’d been lab partners in seventh grade. But that was all a part of Adam’s _before._

For as long as he could remember now, he’d thought of his life in three segments. There was the _before,_ the time he didn’t really ever let himself think about.

Before he’d left Henrietta. Before CPS had come in and given him no other choice. Before he was deaf in one ear.

Then, there was _now._

Work hard _now_ so you can have a good life _later_. That had been his mantra for years. And now it seemed he’d arrived at _later_ and he didn’t know what to do about it. 

Seeing someone from _before_ had affected him more than he’d thought. He almost turned down the apartment because of it. But he’d given it a lot of thought—which, for Adam, meant that he carefully overanalyzed every pro and con for hours on end until it’d become nearly obsessive—and decided that he shouldn’t let something like that hinder him. The apartment was perfect. It was close to work, within his budget, clean. It was, if he were honest, the best choice out of everything he’d looked at. So he’d set his issues aside and taken it.

He didn’t regret it. Even if Gansey was still pestering him to come around more often. And he’d found that seeing Blue on a near daily basis didn’t send him into any kind of panic attack or otherwise bother him and he felt like maybe he’d finally begun to heal.

He’d probably never fully recover from his past, he knew. Some things just change you, whether you want them to or not. But he was in control now. He could do this.

The Metro came to a stop and he got off, heading home. 

The sun was shining, and Adam felt good. He was nearly skipping along to the music playing in his right earbud, but when the song ended and a new one began to play, his steps stuttered. 

He hadn’t actually listened to the song in question—or the rest of the album it belonged to—in a very long time. It was something he only really did when he was very sad, or particularly stressed. It was a comfort, and it was a secret.

He wasn’t really sure why he’d never told anyone, except that to do so felt wrong, somehow. It would feel like he was bragging, or exaggerating something to collect brownie points.

Because the person singing was none other than Ronan Lynch.

Ronan Lynch, who crashed into the music world with his raw talent and angsty lyrics, making thousands of women and men fall in love with his signature smirk.

Who had been out of the radar for a few years now, the mystery of it all creating a horde of dedicated fans who begged for scraps of information on his whereabouts, making him a hot topic of gossip even though it had been years since his last public appearance. 

Who Adam had spent a summer falling in love with, back when they were both just kids with big dreams. 

But that was all in the past. He doubted Ronan would even give him a second look nowadays. That was okay, though. He’d moved on. Hell, it had been nearly ten years since he’d even seen him. 

He’d dated other people. Never one that ever really stuck, but at least he’d tried. And even now, Ronan was a source of comfort to him. He’d never looked at Adam like he was worth any less because of his roots. Somehow he’d seen through the Henrietta dust and into the core of who he was, something even Adam had a hard time doing. 

Ronan was definitely a part of his _before_ , but he was the one thing about it that Adam didn’t want to forget.

So he paused his steps and started the song over again, and he let himself remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This fic has been brewing in my brain for months and I'm so happy (and a bit nervous, if I'm being honest) to finally start sharing it. I hope you enjoy where I take this, and I'm glad to have you along for the ride. Comments are always welcome, of course, and I enjoy every single one of them. <3


	2. Chapter 2

Ten years earlier...

The Virginia sun was shining down hot and bright as Adam rode down the street on his bike at a leisurely pace. He didn’t have anywhere to be for the rest of the afternoon, other than anywhere but home, and the air whispered with possibility.

“Fucking piece of _shit_ ,” came a voice from just up the road. 

Adam probably wouldn’t have even heard it, but the dark BMW pulled halfway off said road had caught his eye. He wasn’t sure what drew him to it, really. It probably belonged to a raven boy. 

Raven boys. How he envied and hated them all at once. He wanted to be one of them, and he wanted nothing to do with any of them. 

He didn’t have to stop. He could ride on by without a second glance.

But he didn’t.

“Excuse me?” he said as he approached the car, just to be a shit.

The driver’s head whipped up, eyes wide. 

The first thing Adam noticed was the color of those eyes. They were blue, but not like his. These eyes were bright. For a moment, he couldn’t look away.

“What the fuck?” the guy said, pulling him out of his reverie.

“You need some help here?” Adam asked with a rueful grin.

The driver didn’t answer, just scowled. Adam bit back a laugh. He really wasn’t sure why he found this so amusing. But when the guy still didn’t answer after another long moment, his amusement began to fade.

“Right,” he said, “Guess I’ll be on my way then.”

He had started to pedal away when he heard the guy finally speak up.

“Wait,” he said.

Adam turned back to look at him. He was staring at his lap, almost penitent. It seemed wrong, somehow, to see him this way. Like it wasn’t in his nature to repent.

“Look, I don’t know what happened,” he said finally, looking back up at Adam, “One minute I was driving, the next it was dead.”

Adam fought back a smile. “You sure you didn’t just stall it?” he asked, as if he knew what he was talking about. Theoretically, he did, but he’d never had a chance to put that knowledge to any real use. If _he’d_ been the one driving, he probably would have stalled the car long before he’d made it to an actual street, but this guy didn’t need to know that.

“I know how to fucking drive,” the guy answered, still scowling.

“You sure about that?” Adam returned, still amused. 

“ _Yes,_ asshole.”

“Actually, my friends call me Adam,” he said.

“Good to know,” the guy answered, a sharp grin on his face, “I think I’ll stick with ‘asshole.’”

Adam laughed, and the guy’s grin turned into a genuine smile. It lit up his whole face, and this time Adam really couldn’t look away.

“Pop the hood, I’ll take a look for you,” he heard himself say.

“What are you, some kind of mechanic?” the guy asked, looking dubious.

Adam snapped out of his staring. “Something like that.”

As he inspected the inner workings of the car, Adam could feel the guy watching him. He couldn’t do much without any tools handy, but after a quick glance, he knew what it was.

“There’s your problem,” he said, pointing to the battery.

“What is it?”

Adam thought it was obvious, but then again, this guy probably never had to do any of this himself.

“See the battery here?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Adam squinted at him. He probably hadn’t even known what the battery looked like before Adam pointed it out.

“Well, it shouldn’t look like _that_ ,” he said, pointing, “It’s all bloated, see? And now it’s damaged.”

“So basically you’re calling my battery fat and ugly,” he said, elbowing Adam in the ribs.

“Shithead,” Adam said, and the guy smiled again, bright and blinding. 

Something inside Adam… preened. He hadn’t known it was possible to be so proud of a smile before.

“It’s probably a bad alternator,” he said, smiling to himself. “You could, uh…” He paused. “You know Boyd’s?”

“The garage? Yeah.”

“I work there. You could bring it in. I could get a better idea there.” 

_It’ll probably be expensive,_ Adam thought but held himself back from saying. This guy probably had a very different idea about what _expensive_ meant.

The guy hesitated, like maybe he didn’t know how to tell Adam he didn’t particularly care to see him again. 

“Or your usual mechanic, whatever,” Adam said, pretending like he didn’t care either way. 

Again, the guy was silent. Adam took this as his cue to leave. Just as he was about to reach for his bike, though, the guy spoke up.

“I stole it,” he said quickly.

Adam’s eyebrows shot up. He really didn’t feel like becoming any sort of accomplice.

“I mean, it’s my dad’s and he doesn’t know that I took it.”

“Oh,” Adam said, not sure if this made him feel better or worse about the whole thing. 

“Is there any way I can get it home before he finds out?”

Adam sighed. He was going to help this guy, wasn’t he?

“You could try a new battery. That would probably last you long enough.”

The guy nodded. “Okay, so I just take that one out and put a new one in?”

_Hopeless,_ Adam thought. 

“My name’s Ronan, by the way,” he said, looking at Adam. And then he smiled again, for no damn reason other than to make Adam the hopeless one.

He shook his head, somehow fond and exasperated all at once. 

“I think I’ll stick with ‘shithead.’”


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was beating down mercilessly against the back of Ronan’s neck as he stood beside his brothers. The priest was droning on in the background, but he couldn’t bother to listen. He needed to get out of here. 

But he stayed, and only for his mother. She was a picture of perfection, lying in the open casket. She hadn’t looked so lively while she was actually still breathing for God knows how long and suddenly Ronan felt oddly removed from the situation. 

He was not at his mother’s funeral, the culmination of everything he’d done for the past few years. He was somewhere far away, somewhere where he’d never known the pain of losing both his parents, one with his head bashed in and the other slowly withering away to nothing, until he could barely recognize her. 

Taking time away from music was a no-brainer when the diagnosis had come. He’d only gotten into music because of her anyway. How could he pursue that life while she was at home, being cared for by strangers? It was unthinkable. So he’d quit touring, quit recording, quit doing interviews. 

He’d have felt like it was a vacation if it wasn’t for the harsh reality his mom was facing, that he was trying to face with her.

Cancer. Found too late.

She tried to put on a brave face, of course. Told him it would all be okay. 

He didn’t know how anything would ever be okay again.

A small movement in the distance caught his eye, pulling him from his thoughts. _Fuck._

“They found us,” Declan murmured next to him.

“I can see that,” Ronan bit back. 

Declan just sighed. “I’ll take care of it,” he said, pulling out his cell phone.

Ronan thought for a moment. “No,” he said.

Declan looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll do it,” he said, a plan forming in his mind. He didn’t want to be here anyway. 

“ _Ronan_ ,” Declan said, the way he always said Ronan’s name. With contempt.

And then with nothing more than a quick squeeze to Matthew’s arm, Ronan was off. He heard the priest stutter in his sermon as he stomped away, but he didn’t turn back. He beelined for the BMW which was fortuitously parked in clear view of the paparazzi that had swooped in to impose upon his family time. Which, really, Ronan hated, but at the moment he was just glad to have an excuse to leave this godforsaken place and get behind the wheel.

There was nothing like driving to set Ronan’s heart on fire, to get his blood pumping in a way it just didn’t with anything else. He tore down the streets and made for the highway, leading the vultures away from his mother’s final resting place. He could have lost them, easily, but that wasn’t the point of this excursion.

He didn’t stop until he’d reached D.C., and it was only for gas. He could feel cameras on him, even if he wasn’t looking up, and imagined the headlines. 

_Ronan Lynch Leaves Mother’s Funeral to Buy Gas at Exxon._ _Is He Back to His Street Racing Ways? Details on page 6._

When he was done at the pump, he happened to turn his head just in time to see a man coming out of the convenience store.

He was tall, and a little on the thin side, but sturdy. Wavy brown hair flopped artfully over his forehead. He was turned away from Ronan, so he didn’t get a good look at his face, but the rest of him looked just how he’d imagined Adam would look these days. 

_Adam_.

Would he ever get over that? Every time he thought it was all behind him, something like this would happen that got Ronan’s heart beating in a strange sort of way. 

He’d probably dream about him tonight. That usually happened every time he was reminded of him. Sometimes even when he wasn’t. 

The dreams were never clear, but he always felt peaceful in them. Sometimes that peace carried on to the rest of his day. It felt like a gift when that happened. 

But other times, all he felt was shame. He didn’t even know why, exactly. Just that it was definitely there. He wasn’t ashamed of being gay, so it wasn’t that. He thought maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was still dreaming about the first boy he’d ever had a crush on, all these years later. And also the fact that it had definitely been more than a crush, from his side at least, that had never actually gotten a chance to just… be. How he’d been in love with this boy before he understood what that meant, and how he had carried it with him ever since. And somehow, that just felt pathetic.

Why couldn’t he just let it go?

Why was he _still_ reacting this way? If Adam really were here right now, he probably wouldn’t want anything to do with Ronan, anyway. Ronan was trouble. He was a knife. Adam had been right to walk away and never look back.

The man turned towards Ronan then, and he realized he’d been staring. Embarrassed at being caught and praying the man didn’t recognize him, he turned his eyes away. But not before getting a good look at the guy’s face. 

It was clearly not Adam. He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or relieved.

He sighed, got back in the car, and reminded himself for the thousandth time that Adam Parrish belonged in the past, along with every other good thing that had ever happened to him.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Ronan couldn’t keep his eyes off Adam the entire time they walked to the auto parts store and back to the BMW, and seeing him working under the hood did nothing to help him stop looking. He was just... so... _something_. 

Ronan thought he probably knew what that _something_ was, but he wasn’t ready to give it a name yet. For now he’d be content just to watch the other boy as he did what Ronan couldn’t do, saving him a world of trouble. He’d have to find a way to pay him back.

“That should do it,” Adam said, lowering the hood. He took a step back and Ronan could see he was unsure, like now that Ronan had gotten him to change the battery he’d never see him again. 

Ronan really wanted to see him again.

“Thanks, man,” he said, watching Adam walk towards the trunk. They’d stowed his bike there while they walked to the store.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Adam said.

Ronan bumped his shoulder “It was, though. I wouldn’t have known what to do. You don’t even know me but you saved my ass. Really. So... thanks.”

Adam shrugged, like it was hard for him to accept any kind of compliment. He looked to Ronan to unlock the trunk, but Ronan hesitated.

“Maybe you should come with me,” he said.

“Really?” Adam said, sounding… was it hopeful? And why did that make Ronan’s heart thump in his chest?

He smiled. “I mean, yeah. What if it dies again on the way home and I don’t have my trusty mechanic around?”

“Oh, I’m _your_ mechanic now?”

Ronan felt his skin heating up, which was stupid. 

“Asshole. You know what I mean.”

“You know, you keep saying my name wrong,” Adam said, “It’s really not that difficult, just two syllables.”

“Yeah,” Ronan said, grinning, “Ass - that’s one, hole - two. See? My pronunciation is perfect.”

Adam shoved him.

“All right then, _shithead,_ ” he said, taking the bait, “Your chariot awaits.”

As they sped down the country roads, Ronan glanced at the boy next to him, gauging his reactions. When he didn’t seem impressed, Ronan pushed harder on the accelerator.

“Jesus Christ,” Adam said, reaching for the handle as they sped around a corner at 90 miles an hour. 

“Oh, calm down,” Ronan said with a laugh.

“Maybe when we’re not hurtling towards certain death.”

“Hey, I handled that corner just fine. I know what I’m doing.”

“Uh huh,” Adam said dubiously. But he was grinning. 

God, it was just so _easy_ with Adam. He couldn’t understand it. He wasn’t exactly known for making friends, had never been able to connect with someone so quickly. Was this how other people felt all the time? Surely they couldn’t. This was… something else. 

When they got to the Barns, Ronan finally slowed down. His parking job was neat. Adam eyed him warily.

“What?”

“No sliding? No gravel spray? I have to say, I’m a little disappointed,” Adam said, straight-faced.

“Ha. Ha,” Ronan said, narrowing his eyes. “Fucker. I’m trying not to blow my cover here, remember?”

“Yeah, good luck with that.”

“You’re such an asshole, you know that?” Ronan said, like he didn’t love every second of it.

“So you’ve said.”

They were still in the car. Ronan didn’t know what was going to happen next. It had been stupid, really, to bring Adam all this way and expect him to ride his bike back to town. 

“So,” Adam said, breaking the silence, “You live here?”

He craned his head to look at their surroundings. Ronan just looked at Adam.

“My whole life.”

Something passed over Adam’s face, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Something sad.

“Hey,” Ronan said, “Do you know how to swim?”

Adam was pulled from whatever melancholy had been creeping over him. Good. 

“Of course I know how to swim—”

But Ronan didn’t hear the rest of that sentence, flinging his door open and racing towards the pond behind the house. Adam was just a beat behind him, wasting no time. 

“Lynch!” he yelled as they tore through the yard.

“Parrish!” Ronan yelled back, stripping down to his underwear and cannonballing into the water.

Adam was right behind him, and when they both surfaced he wasted no time in dunking Ronan right back in.

Ronan sputtered indignantly before chasing after Adam who had quickly swam to the far side of the pond.

“You’re a dead man, Parrish!” he said as he closed in on him, backing him into a corner.

Before Ronan could grab him, though, he dove underwater, slipping past him. He grinned widely, once again out of Ronan’s reach.

“You’ll have to do better than that,” he taunted.

Well. Ronan wasn’t going to back down from that challenge. Narrowing his eyes at Adam, he considered a new strategy. He swam slowly, not getting too close. The two boys stared each other down, each determined not to be the one to look away first. 

Under this pretense, Ronan could look at Adam openly, and he took full advantage. He was thin, but clearly stronger than he looked. His muscles weren’t prominent, but they were definitely there. Ronan felt something inside him stir as he looked at them. 

The sound of a car door slamming cleared his thoughts. From here he could see just around the corner of the farmhouse. Matthew was coming their way, dressed in full soccer gear, and their mom was carrying groceries inside the house. 

He smiled easily at his younger brother. “How was the game?”

“Really good!” Matthew said brightly.

“Did you win?”

“Nope!” he answered as he kicked off his cleats. “Who’s this?”

Ronan looked from Matthew to Adam and back again, with a strange feeling inside almost like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“My name’s Adam,” the other boy said when Ronan still hadn’t spoken up. “We, uh, just met. Today.”

“Cool,” said Matthew. He took off his shin guards and plopped down at the edge of the pond, sticking his feet and legs in the cool water. “Dad called, by the way,” he added, kicking his legs back and forth.

Ronan glanced at Adam. “What’d he say?”

“He’s not coming home yet,” Matthew said, shrugging, “I guess something came up.”

“Good,” Ronan said without thinking. He may have gotten the BMW back safely but would his dad notice the new battery? Would he—

Matthew kicked him, though not hard. “Don’t you want Dad to come home soon?”

“Yeah,” he said, glancing at Adam once more. He’d moved closer, and he had another strange look on his face. Not melancholy like before. Ronan couldn’t place it. “But then that means Declan comes with him,” he added, somewhat petulantly. 

Matthew frowned. “I still don’t know why you hate him so much.”

Ronan sighed. “I don’t _hate_ him. I just don’t particularly _like_ him.”

“You two used to be best friends. I remember, ‘cause I was jealous.”

“Yeah, well, people change, and—”

Ronan was pulled under mid-sentence, water shooting up his nose. When he broke the surface, coughing, Adam was stifling a laugh. 

Matthew looked at Adam for just a moment before bursting out in laughter himself. It was contagious. Matthew's good moods usually were.

“Oh, you’re going to be fun to have around,” he said to Adam, reaching to give him a high-five. “I’m so glad Ronan met you!”

Ronan winced internally, worried Matthew’s enthusiasm was too much for someone they barely knew. 

But Adam just smiled. “I’m glad too.”


	5. Chapter 5

Declan was alone, again. He spent much of his time that way, and that was how he preferred it. He didn’t have to lie when he was alone. Or maybe he did. Maybe he’d been lying to himself the longest, and he didn’t even notice anymore. Regardless, he found a certain pleasure in spending time by himself and as he packed up his mother’s belongings, he mused that if his two younger brothers had assisted him in his task, he wouldn’t be so close to being finished. It was better this way. 

To be quite frank, Ronan was a disaster. And Matthew had been glued to his side for days. Most people didn’t quite understand the bond those two had. On the surface, they seemed like complete opposites. But what most people didn’t know was that though Ronan was all sharp spikes and venom, a threat to anyone who came too close, Matthew was what was left when the threat was gone. His warm smile came easy because he couldn’t help but wear his emotions for everyone to see. The same could be said for Ronan, though it was the reason his smile wasn’t easy at all. 

Declan taped up another box and felt his phone buzz. He pulled it out quickly, hoping it was who he thought it was. He’d texted Jordan earlier, trying to find some relief from all of this. It hadn’t been until after he’d sent the message asking if she was free for the evening that he’d realized he was becoming dangerously close to depending on someone. 

He didn’t particularly like that feeling. 

But he couldn’t deny it was there. So when he saw the text she’d sent, a simple _I can’t_ , he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Disappointed, sure. But also a little relieved. Maybe that made him a coward. 

Another text buzzed through a moment later, but before he’d had the chance to look at it, he heard someone pounding on the front door. 

When he opened it, he froze when he saw who was standing on the other side. 

“Declan Lynch,” Jordan said, as if they’d never met before. “I’m here representing Mr. Colin Greenmantle.”

A shock of ice ran down his spine.

“Mr. Greenmantle sends his condolences to you and your family. He apologizes for the insensitive timing, but unfortunately he cannot wait.”

“Wait?” Declan said, finding his voice, “Wait for what?”

“As you know, your father was employed by Mr. Greenmantle for a time. During this time your father incurred a lot of debt.”

Declan stared at her, willing her to look him in the eye, but her eyes remained distant. 

“So you’re here to talk about my father's debt?” he said, narrowing his eyes, “Why now? My father has been dead for years.”

Jordan took a breath. “Your father’s will was complicated, and it left most of his assets to your mother.”

“So what you’re really saying is that Greenmantle has been after my father’s money for years, and the moment he found out my mother was dead, he came to collect,” he spat out, feeling more like Ronan than he’d thought himself capable of.

Jordan didn’t flinch. She took out a folder from her bag, showing him all the paperwork that would take everything away. For a long, strange moment he couldn’t even hear what she was saying. It didn’t really matter, anyway. He knew Greenmantle. This was going to be bad. Instead, he just looked at her, at the face he’d never seen look so cold. 

How had he been so blind? How had he ever allowed himself to get to this point? He’d always known that people would disappoint him, so why was he so shocked by this betrayal? He _never_ should have opened up to her. Not about family.

It had been a late night, and he had been tired, but wasn’t he always?

He remembered the light in his chest he’d felt when Jordan had called, asking if she could come over. He remembered the way her body had moved with his, how it had felt like coming home after a long day, both so practiced at making the other feel good that it was second nature. 

He’d forgotten that was all it was supposed to be.

He’d never done that before, not with anyone else.

So he’d told her. 

“There’s something sad in your eyes, love,” Jordan had said, as she lay curled in his arms. 

“My mother is dying,” he’d answered without thought. 

Jordan brushed away a tear he hadn’t noticed, and kissed him. Then they’d lain there for hours, not really moving or speaking, just holding on to each other like they’d never let go. Declan had never felt so warm.

He hadn’t even considered there might be consequences. What a fool he’d been. 

“You’ll have until the end of the week,” Jordan said, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“The end of the week?”

She looked at him, finally. “It was the best I could do,” she said quietly, before turning and walking away.

He watched her go, taking a piece of him with her.

It was only when her car had disappeared from the drive that he remembered the papers in his hands. As he began to read, the ice that had trailed down his spine earlier settled into a heavy weight in his stomach. 

Declan was used to disappointment, so he pushed his own issues to the side. The papers in his hands didn’t terrify him for his own sake. He’d be okay. He was always okay. 

But Ronan wasn’t, and this would be the final blow. 

Because Greenmantle was taking the Barns. By the end of the week.

Declan honestly didn’t know how Ronan would survive.

He picked up his phone, readying himself to call Matthew and tell his brothers they needed to come home, when he saw the unread message from earlier. He’d forgotten about it until now.

It was from Jordan. Just three words. 

Three words that didn’t matter anymore.

_I’m so sorry._


	6. Chapter 6

“Can’t we fight it?” Ronan asked, not for the first time that night.

Declan sighed. “I’ve told you already, it’s legit. There’s nothing we can do.”

“There has to be something.”

“What do you suggest, then? We don’t have a leg to stand on. Dad’s fucked us over. Again.”

That comment nearly earned Declan a punch to the throat, but Ronan was too tired. 

“The fuck do you mean?” he said, snarling. 

“He was never around, Ronan!" Declan said, showing more emotion than Ronan knew him capable of. "He didn't care about his family. Not _enough._ ”

The tension in the air was palpable. Ronan reconsidered just how tired he was. Not too tired. He felt his hand clench into a fist, ready to swing, but then Matthew spoke up for the first time in ages.

“Guys, can you stop fighting? Please? I’m tired,” he said, thumping his head down onto the table.

The effect was instantaneous. Ronan’s hand dropped to his side.

“Fuck you,” he said to Declan, though there was no malice to it. “Dad cared about us.”

“You can be as pissed as you want. It doesn’t change the fact that he was a cheat, and a liar, and that he clearly knew this day could come and did nothing to stop it.”

Ronan narrowed his eyes at him.

“It’s here in his will,” Declan continued, “Did you read it? We have no legal right to the Barns or anything else Dad owned. We have to go through everything, figure out what we bought with our own money and what was his.”

Ronan didn’t care enough to read it for himself. Declan was a dick, but he wouldn’t lie about this.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ronan said, eyes widening in realization. He needed to get out of here. Quick. 

Filled with a sudden urgency, he stood and ran up the stairs. He grabbed his mother’s guitar and thundered back down into the sitting room where Declan was still looking through the documents spread out in front of him. 

“I’m not letting them take the BMW,” he said. “It’s mine and they can’t have it.”

“Ronan, you sound like a child—”

“I don’t care. I’m leaving.”

He felt it burning inside of him, this need to be anywhere else, get the fuck out of Dodge and just go, go, go. 

“Where are you going?” Declan asked, resigned.

Ronan thought about it for a second.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. 

Declan sighed. “Just - keep your phone on. And don’t be gone forever. We still have to find a place to live.”

“No promises,” Ronan answered as he stomped out the door.

He drove away, spraying gravel as he went. He sped down the deserted roads, feeling something come alive in him. Something about the gas pedal under his foot, one hand on the wheel, one on the gearshift, made his heart beat in a way it hadn’t in a long time. 

He had so many good memories in this car. Bad ones too, of course, his life had been one fucked up thing after another, but he couldn’t let go. And he knew he was being childish, like Declan had said, but fuck, he couldn’t help it.

He’d lost so much already. 

His parents. His home.

Was there anything left?

_Yes. You still have Matthew._

That thought was enough to get him to slow down. He pulled over on the side of the road, hands shaking. He forced himself to take a deep breath. Then another.

The pain he’d been trying to chase down empty roads welled up inside of him. It was too much, too much, too fucking much.

He needed a drink. 

He needed to stop thinking.

His phone vibrated on the passenger seat and Ronan nearly threw it out the window. He paused, but only because the name flashing across the screen didn’t belong to his brother.

Well. That was probably a lie.

Gansey had been the brother he needed from the day they had met. Ronan was already starting to fall apart when they did. It had been a confusing part of his life, when he was just fifteen and going through his first heartbreak, and even though he hadn’t actually given Gansey any of the details, Gansey just seemed to know how to make him feel… okay. 

And then his father had died, a part of Ronan going with him. It was a dark time. But Gansey didn’t save him, he just offered him a friendship like he’d never had before. A brotherhood he’d never had before. 

He had Declan, who was always disappointed in him, and Matthew, who looked up to him, even when he shouldn’t, but he’d never had someone who felt like an equal. Someone he didn’t feel the need to impress, and yet still wanted to. Sometimes. They were a strange pair to anyone who didn’t know them, but here they were, years later, and he could still call Gansey his brother. 

He watched as the call ended and then started ringing again a second later, like he knew it would. 

“Dick,” he said in lieu of a hello.

“Ronan,” Gansey said, voice concerned.

“Declan called you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes,” Gansey sighed. “Ronan, I’m so—”

“Don’t, Gansey. Just don’t.”

“Okay, I won’t,” Gansey said, and something in Ronan eased.

“Come to D.C. Stay with us. We have plenty of room.”

“I’ll think about it,” he answered, but really, where else were they going to go?

“We’ve got a tenant, did I tell you? I think you’d like him. He’s quiet, keeps mostly to himself though I have been trying to get him to come around more often. Blue thinks I’m being pushy.”

“I’m sure you are, Dick. Leave the man alone.”

Gansey chuckled. 

“Why do you think I’d like him, anyway?” Ronan asked, genuinely curious. “I don’t like anyone.”

“That’s not true. You like me.”

“I tolerate you.”

“I know a lie when I hear one, Ronan Lynch. Especially coming from you.”

“Whatever.”

Gansey paused. He probably didn’t even know why he liked his new tenant so much. He was like that sometimes, collecting people that just _stood out_ to him for one reason or another, and sooner or later they’d be a permanent fixture in Ronan’s life. Well, at least he didn’t have to try and make friends himself. 

“I don’t know, Ronan, I just have a feeling about him. Like I said, he’s quiet. But he’s extremely intelligent. Works for NASA.”

“Sounds like my kind of guy,” Ronan said, rolling his eyes. 

“I’m not explaining it properly. There’s just something about him. You’ll see, when you meet him.”

“Great. Can’t fucking wait.”

Gansey paused. “Is that a yes, then?”

“Gansey, what the fuck do you think? Where else am I gonna go?”

“Excellent, excellent. I’ll start setting rooms up for you. Will Matthew be coming too?” Ronan could hear the smile in Gansey’s voice now.

“Yeah, most likely. He’s got a room at a friend’s place, but school’s almost over.”

“The more the merrier,” Gansey said, and Ronan wished he was there with him just so he could see him roll his eyes at him.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Henry’s staying here too,” Gansey added, a little quieter.

Now Ronan was starting to regret this. He didn’t hate Henry Cheng, but he didn’t really _like_ him either. He’d accepted that he wasn’t going anywhere, though, and on a good night he could spend time in his presence without wanting to throttle him. But most of the time he was up in everyone’s business and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was lucky Ronan hadn’t punched him. Yet.

Gansey continued, pretending not to notice Ronan’s silence.

“He’s staying in the other apartment upstairs, next to Adam, though it has an issue with the hot water that we haven’t worked out yet so he’s been using our shower.”

Gansey continued rambling about the joys of owning an apartment building, but Ronan didn’t hear anything he had to say.

That name. Adam. It was common enough. Really, there was no need for his heart to start pounding, but that was something he’d never been able to control.

It was just like the day of the funeral, when he’d seen the man outside the convenience store. One little reminder and suddenly it was all he could think about.

He guessed first love did that to a person.

And the worst part of it all was that Adam didn’t even know. Ronan had never told him. There were so many times during the summer they’d spent together where he could have. He’d wanted to, God, had he wanted to, but he was scared. 

He’d never felt that way before. He was fifteen, and young, and alive, and perfectly content to spend hours just staring at the beautiful boy with the dusty brown hair and big blue eyes and a smile that made Ronan’s knees shake.

Of course, he never actually allowed himself the pleasure, but his dreams were built upon it. 

And then Adam had left. And he didn’t come back. Not to explain, or even just say goodbye. Ronan didn’t blame him, not really, not with his parents being the steaming piles of shit that they were. Adam had always wanted to get out, and Ronan would never have held him back. 

But he would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt like a bitch.

It had worried him, at first. It wasn’t like Adam to disappear for days on end. He’d been sick with it, enough to make him go to the trailer, even though that was something he’d promised Adam he wouldn’t do.

He still remembered the look on Adam’s mother’s face. Vacant, like maybe there wasn’t anyone in there anymore. 

“If you’re looking for Adam you’re wasting your time,” she had said. “He’s gone and he’s not coming back.”

He hadn’t reacted, not outwardly, but she must have seen something in his eyes. Maybe she was still in there somewhere. 

“He got out, like he always wanted to,” she’d said with a scowl, “We’re not good enough for him anymore.”

_You never were_ , Ronan had thought at the time. He still did. 

Sometimes when he thought of Adam, it was all summer sun and smiles. He thought about when they’d first met, how Adam had been such a smartass, giving Ronan shit about stalling the BMW. Ronan had probably fallen in love with him in that moment. 

Other times it was late at night when Ronan was feeling particularly moody, and he’d think about how any relationship he’d ever attempted had ended in failure, and that it probably had something to do with the boy he’d been hung up on for so long that no one else ever felt good enough.

So yeah, it hurt to think about now. How it felt like he’d been left behind. But Ronan had accepted it because Adam was okay, as far as he knew. That was all he needed.

He hoped he was out there living his best life, shoving his success into the faces of his parents. He hoped he had someone who cared about him.

“Ronan?” Gansey said, pulling him from his thoughts.

“What?”

“Did you hear anything I just said?”

“No.”

Gansey sighed. “Don’t go too far, Lynch. I need you.”

Something in him disagreed with that. He knew it probably wasn’t true, that it was just everything getting to him, but he felt like Gansey didn’t actually _need_ him. He was the one who needed Gansey. What had he ever done for him other than cause him grief? Give him another mess to clean up?

“I mean it, Ronan,” Gansey said, voice unwavering.

“Yeah,” he said finally. He couldn’t bring himself to say much more. 

“I’ll be seeing you soon, then?”

“Yeah,” he said again, “Soon.”


	7. Chapter 7

The week had moved by entirely too quickly, and before they knew it the Lynch brothers were officially homeless. And it wasn’t just the Barns - the fucking parasites had quickly staked their claim on Declan’s apartment in D.C. as well. Not that Ronan had wanted to live there anyway. He hadn’t even considered it until it wasn’t an option anymore. Besides, living with Gansey might be good for him. It had been the last time he’d gone through this shit.

He knew he was a mess, but he was doing his best not to show that side of himself to Matthew. He did pretty well, even if most nights ended with drinking himself into a stupor. Okay, every night that week ended with him drinking himself into a stupor, but it was a stressful time, all right? He needed something,  _ anything _ to help him stop feeling, just for a little while.

Nursing another hangover, he closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples, painfully aware of Matthew arguing with Declan about some inane shit behind him. They’d just finished loading everything into the U-Haul, ready to head for the storage unit they were renting until they “figured things out” as Declan put it. Where they were going next. What they were doing next. It was all up in the air at this point, or that’s how Ronan thought of it because he couldn’t bring himself to care enough to make any sort of plans for the future. Not yet. 

Declan probably had a ten-step plan for what they’d do next, starting with moving into Gansey and Blue’s apartment and most likely ending with Ronan getting back into music so they wouldn’t be poor anymore. 

He’d never been poor before, but so far it wasn’t enough of a reason to become a sell-out. Ronan Lynch didn’t make music for the money. He made it for the way it made him feel, for the only way he knew how to pour out his emotions in a way that was socially acceptable. 

Of course, he’d only been poor for less than a week, and really when it came down to it he was a lot better off than others, he knew that. He actually had  _ some _ money, it was just mostly inaccessible for the time being. And though what he had now was a significantly smaller sum than just last week, he wasn’t destitute. He wasn’t about to go hungry, or without the basic necessities. He didn’t have to worry about money, in the long run.

Not like Adam used to.

Jesus, he still couldn’t stop thinking about him. Ever since that night on the phone with Gansey, his mind had run wild with theories about where Adam might actually be today, what he might be doing, if he had someone to love him the way he deserved. 

Was he a hotshot lawyer, kicking ass in the courtroom, living the dream in an upscale apartment? A doctor, saving lives and charming patients with that radiant smile of his? The possibilities were endless.

Whatever he was up to, Ronan knew it would be something important, something amazing. Just like him. 

“Are you done yet, or what?” he said, turning back to his brothers.

“I told you, not yet!” Declan yelled from the back of the truck. 

Ronan closed his eyes and told himself that fighting with Declan wouldn’t make him go any faster. 

“Hey,” Matthew said quietly, reaching his hand out. Declan’s keys were in them. “It’s okay, man. Go ahead and we’ll catch up to you.”

All morning Ronan had been impatient for this moment, ready to just get out before he could think about it for too long. But now that it was here, he froze. He guessed he hadn’t actually let it really sink in. 

This was the last time he’d be here. 

He couldn’t breathe. How do you say goodbye to your childhood? To your home? How was he expected to survive in a world where home didn’t exist anymore?

He snatched the keys out of Matthew’s hands. He needed to drown this feeling the only way he could right now, burning rubber. Even if it was Declan’s shitty Volvo. It wasn’t the BMW, but it would have to do. 

******

Matthew Lynch had spent much of his life attempting to make his brothers get along. It hadn’t ever really worked, but he was persistent. His brothers could barely tolerate each other, or at least that’s what they wanted everyone to think. But Matthew had grown up with them, and having been the baby of the family with two brothers determined to shield him from any kind of darkness, he’d gotten quite good at observing. And eavesdropping.

If his brothers weren’t going to tell him things directly, he would find out anyway. All he had to do was watch them, and wait. 

Like when their mother had first been diagnosed, he knew immediately it was worse than they were letting on by the way they hadn’t fought or sniped at each other the entire car ride home. And Ronan had called him ‘buddy’. 

And this morning, as Declan had parked the U-Haul in front of the farmhouse, their last chance to say goodbye, the pain in his stoic expression stood out to Matthew. They were all grieving, of course, but there was something different about his oldest brother. Something… complicated. 

As the morning continued and they loaded up what they could, Matthew’s observational skills were put to good use. 

A woman named Jordan had arrived first, letting them know the Greenmantles would be coming later that day. And Declan’s eyes lingered on her a bit too much to be casual. 

_ Interesting.  _

Later, he’d caught Jordan staring at Declan while he wasn’t looking, something — was it regret? — on her face. He couldn’t be sure. He didn’t have enough practice observing her, having just met her and all.

But before long, he knew there was  _ something  _ going on between them that neither would acknowledge. They were far too polite to each other. It was a little creepy, to be honest.

“So Jordan seems nice,” he said as they drove to D.C. He and Declan were in the U-Haul, Ronan somewhere (far) ahead of them in Declan’s Volvo. He’d already taken the BMW to Gansey’s place. 

Declan grunted in reply. It was funny, Matthew thought, how much alike he and Ronan really were.

“Better than the assholes who showed up later.”

“Language,” Declan said.

“I’m twenty-two years old,” Matthew argued, though he knew it was pointless.

“The Greenmantles aren’t people you want to piss off. Don’t let them hear you saying things like that.”

“You worry too much,” Matthew said. “When am I ever going to see them again?”

“Hopefully never,” Declan said, sighing.

“Man, I’m just glad Ronan left before they showed. Can you imagine?”

“I’d rather not.”

Matthew waited a moment and then got back to his agenda.

“So you knew Jordan before all this, right?” he said, reaching for a bag of gummy worms.

If Declan weren’t such a meticulous driver he might have swerved off the road in his surprise.

“I - what?”

“Jordan. Today wasn’t your first meeting.”

“No, she was the one who came to tell me what the Greenmantles wanted. I already told you that,” Declan said, not looking at him.

“Okay, but that wasn’t your first meeting either. I’m not blind, dude.”

Declan’s hands tightened on the wheel. “I don’t know what you’re trying to imply.”

Matthew decided to go straight for it. “Is she your girlfriend?”

“No.”

“But you want her to be.”

Declan didn’t answer, which was an answer enough itself.

“All right, all right, I’ll stop,” Matthew said, but he didn’t miss the complex range of emotions that flickered over his brother’s face.

_ Interesting.  _


	8. Chapter 8

Gansey was way too happy to be living under the same roof as Ronan again. When they’d arrived he’d wasted no time pulling Ronan into a tight hug. Ronan had allowed it.

They hadn’t lived together in years, not since they were kids and even then it wasn’t for an extended period of time. After his father had died, the Lynch family was in pieces. Aurora had been severely depressed, along with Ronan, and for a while it had seemed like nothing would ever feel normal again. 

But like they say, time heals wounds or whatever the fuck. And it did take time, but Ronan finally felt like he could be at home without seeing his father’s dead body in the driveway every time he closed his eyes. 

So thinking about living at Monmouth with Gansey didn’t bring up the best memories, but it was definitely where they had forged this bond they had and Ronan wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

After they’d gotten settled in for the night, Gansey pulled out a bottle of Scotch and soon everyone was a little buzzed and the overall atmosphere was a little happier. Ronan wasn’t even in the mood to antagonize Cheng. Well, not entirely.

“You have to play for us,” Gansey insisted.

“Yeah, Lynch,” Henry chimed in. “Treat us to a private show,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.

Ronan flipped him off.

But he was feeling generous, or generous for him anyway, so he went into the room he and Matthew would be sharing for the foreseeable future (there were only two rooms and like hell was he going to share with Declan) and grabbed his guitar. 

*****

After a long day at work, Adam let himself into the apartment building and headed for the stairs. It sounded like Blue and Gansey had guests over. He remembered Gansey mentioning something about friends coming to visit. They must have arrived, then. As he got closer to the staircase, he noticed the door to their apartment was open just a crack. 

The voices had quieted and Adam could hear the soft sounds of a guitar. A voice began to sing, a man’s voice, and Adam froze. His heart began to pound and he closed his eyes as he listened silently.

He’d know that voice anywhere.

Before he knew what he was doing, he found himself pushing the apartment door open. It made no noise, and no one had noticed. 

From where he was standing in the doorway, Adam had the perfect view into the large living area. Gansey and Blue were sitting close together on the sofa, Henry perched on the arm, and a man with dark hair on the other end. A younger man with blond hair sat in the armchair. 

And in the middle of it all was Ronan Lynch. 

He was looking down as he played, but if he looked up Adam would be directly in his line of sight. 

He could step away before that happened. Pretend like his entire world hadn’t shifted. 

But apparently his body was still acting of its own accord because before he could stop himself he had the door completely open and he was inside the apartment.

Each footstep closer thudded like the pounding of his heart but he couldn’t stop them. What was he doing? Was there still time to turn around unnoticed? 

Ronan hadn’t looked up. Everyone else was still focused on him. He could get away. He could…

“Ronan?” he heard himself say.

The playing stopped. Ronan closed his eyes, breathing in. When he opened them, they met Adam’s, and for a moment nothing else seemed to matter. 

Ronan stood and set the guitar down. Adam couldn’t see anything else, didn’t remember that anyone else was in the room with them. 

It had been years. _Years_. And still, all at once, Adam could remember it perfectly. The long summer days they had spent together doing stupid things (usually Ronan’s idea), and the quiet nights spent talking about everything and nothing and looking at the stars as they lay in the grass or on a roof or the hood of a car.

In an instant he remembered all of this, and he remembered all the times he had caught Ronan looking at him in a way that did something to his insides, he didn’t know what, just that he liked it. He remembered a day when they’d broken into one of the barns Ronan wasn’t allowed in and they’d been so reckless and carefree and so wildly alive and happy and Ronan had fallen on top of him as they tumbled from the window into some hay and had _looked_ at him and Adam’s stomach had done more flips than an Olympic gymnast. 

And this, _this_ was what he was thinking about now as he crossed the room, uncaring about anyone or anything else. He pulled Ronan into his arms and just took in the feel of him, the way his arms automatically returned the hug. God, he was warm. And tall. And _built like a tank, Jesus Christ._

“Lynch, you bastard,” he said, mostly to himself, but Ronan heard him and laughed. _God, he’d missed that sound._

“Nice to see you too, Parrish,” Ronan said into his ear. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, finally pulling away. 

The room came back into focus and suddenly he realized he had a captive audience. He took a step back, clearing his throat and shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Adam?” came the voice from the chair, the blond man Adam had noticed earlier.

Adam looked at him and he couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before.

“Matthew?”

The youngest Lynch pushed past his older brother to wrap Adam up in a warm hug. He obviously hadn’t changed much. Except…

“God, you’re so tall,” Adam said. 

“I know!” Matthew said happily. Matthew was always like this, and it was infectious. Adam felt the corners of his mouth turning up. “I can’t believe it’s you!”

Matthew pulled away, still smiling, and Adam caught the eye of the man on the sofa with Blue and Gansey. He was frowning, and there was no mistaking who he was. They had never met, but he was obviously a Lynch. He had to be Declan, Ronan’s older brother, and sworn enemy of his teen years. Well, at least for the summer Adam had known him. 

“Sorry to interrupt the reunion,” Gansey said, “But does anyone care to inform the rest of us as to what is happening?”

Adam looked up and caught Ronan’s eye. How could he possibly put this into words? They had been friends for exactly one summer, years ago, and hadn’t seen each other since? That was the logic of it. So then why did he feel like this? What was this living thing inside of him that insisted no time at all had passed and that he knew the man standing in front of him like he knew himself? 

It was… well, it was ridiculous, if he were to be honest. As much as he might want to, he didn’t actually know Ronan Lynch anymore. 

He took a breath.

“We, uh, we knew each other as kids,” he said finally, looking away from Ronan. 

“He was Ronan’s _best_ friend,” Matthew added. “And Ronan had _such_ a — ow, Ronan!” he said, looking down. Ronan’s boot was shoved into his ankle.

“Sorry,” Ronan muttered, pulling his foot away.

“Anyway, they were pretty much inseparable that whole summer,” Matthew went on, unperturbed. “Until Adam had to move away.”

Adam’s attention turned to Gansey, whose expression was complicated. He looked like he was on the verge of understanding… something. 

“Well, that’s excellent news!” Gansey said, face bright and smiling again. Adam wondered how he could do that. “And to think that I was worried about whether everyone would get along.”

Seeing his confusion, Blue said, “They’re going to be staying with us for awhile, and Gansey worries about anything there is to worry about.”

“I do not,” Gansey said quietly, frowning. Blue just reached for his hand, though, and he smiled again. It was a private sort of smile, and so Adam looked away.

“Sorry for just barging in, by the way,” he said. “I just heard Ronan and I had to…” he trailed off, realizing the implications of that sentence. Like the fact that he was familiar with Ronan’s singing voice. Ronan’s _adult_ singing voice. 

Which, okay. Yes, Adam had Ronan’s albums downloaded. And maybe a CD or two. And he listened to them, sometimes. He was pretty well-known, it wasn’t completely unreasonable that he’d have listened to Ronan’s music before.

“Nonsense!” Gansey insisted, cutting through Adam’s thoughts, “You’re always welcome.”

“Uh, thanks,” Adam replied, quickly beginning to feel awkward. He needed to get away from here as quickly as possible. To be alone to gather his thoughts. And inevitably obsess over them.

But then Ronan was reaching for his guitar again and Adam couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear him play. Gansey brought him a chair from the dining room and he sat, feeling like an intruder but not caring enough to leave. Yet.

Ronan began to play once more, a song Adam had never heard. It was beautiful, but then, he didn’t think any song Ronan played could be anything less. He just had a way of making his audience feel things, emotions Adam sometimes couldn’t even name. 

Adam wouldn’t pretend to know anything about music, but he knew enough to understand the passion Ronan felt for it. 

It was like magic. And so Adam let himself feel it, really feel it, closing his eyes and letting the music take him somewhere else for awhile. 

When the song was over, he abruptly remembered where he was and who he was with and panic mode began to set in once more. He _really_ needed some time alone to process.

“I hate to cut this short, but I really need to get going,” he said, fidgeting with his hands. He didn’t miss the way Ronan stared at them for a long moment before responding.

“You really live here?” Ronan said quietly, like he couldn’t believe it. Neither could Adam.

“As of a few weeks ago, yeah.”

Ronan’s smile wasn’t exactly radiant, not like Adam knew it could be, but it was enough. God, it was more than enough. 

He paused. “I’ll see you around then, Lynch?” he asked, sending a questioning glance Ronan’s way.

“Yeah, Parrish. See you around,” Ronan replied with a smirk. 

Adam couldn’t help but grin as he turned and walked out of the apartment, his mind a whirlwind. Ronan Lynch was here. Ronan _fucking_ Lynch was living in the same building as him. 

He’d always regretted the way things had ended between them, although perhaps ended wasn’t quite the right word. That was the problem, they’d never had a chance to say goodbye. One day they were hanging out like every other day they’d spent together that summer and the next Adam was in the hospital being checked out before he was shipped away from Henrietta. 

It had been so hard, at first. He didn’t think he’d ever felt as lonesome as he did those first few months in the system. And finally, when he’d had to return to Henrietta for court, he’d tried to find Ronan. Just to explain. 

And he’d found him. But Ronan was… different. Something was wrong. His head was shaved and Adam could see the edges of a tattoo peeking out from his collar. But these weren't the differences that mattered. 

He’d never seen Ronan looking so angry. So… dangerous.

He wasn’t afraid of him, he could never be afraid of Ronan, but there was a definite air about him that told everyone around him to _back the fuck off._ There was another guy with him, too, also clad in an Aglionby uniform, white sunglasses on his face and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. 

Ronan didn’t see him, but the other guy did.

“The fuck you looking at?” he snarled, and Adam turned away.

“That’s right, keep walking,” the guy had said.

And Adam listened. Because he was a coward, maybe. Because he questioned his place in the world, and the last few months had really driven home the fact that no one really cared about what happened to him. 

And he’d regretted it ever since. But maybe this was his second chance. 

Heart still pounding, he walked up the stairs as slowly as he could manage. He was filled with such a strange energy that he had half a mind to run all the way up to his apartment but contained himself. He unlocked his front door and headed straight for his bedroom, falling backwards onto his bed, mind racing. 

Ronan Lynch. Ronan Lynch was living here. He was going to be seeing him on a somewhat regular basis, probably. At least in passing, right? 

Adam couldn’t help the wide smile on his face. It was still there when he drifted off to sleep, memories of late nights and long days and the one person who’d ever made him feel alive swirling around in his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters today! Hope you enjoyed them!


	9. Chapter 9

Holy shit. Holy _fucking_ shit. Adam Parrish lived here. Ronan couldn’t breathe properly, couldn’t think anything beyond the hammering of his pulse crying _Adam, Adam, Adam._

As soon as enough time had passed so that Adam was up in his apartment, Ronan was out the door and on his way up to the roof. He needed to be alone for a minute before he embarrassed himself with how he was reacting.

His heart was racing when he reached the roof but he thought that had less to do with climbing stairs at a half-jog and more to do with the man occupying the space directly below him. 

Adam looked _good._ Like, ridiculously good. Like, it was unfair just how attractive he had grown up to be. He’d always thought Adam was beautiful, but Jesus, the years had treated him well. 

And it wasn’t just his looks, it was how he carried himself. He was more confident than Ronan had ever seen him, and that was almost enough to take away all the pain he’d felt missing him all these years. 

Suddenly there was this tension that was floating away from him, a relief he hadn’t known he was waiting for. He hadn’t ever realized how not knowing where Adam was, how he was doing, had weighed him down. Sure, he’d gotten by on imagining good things for him, but knowing it - seeing it with his own two eyes - was _so_ much better.

His head began to spin with the emotion of it all and he sat down and then laid with his back against the concrete and stared up at the dark sky above him. 

What was it Gansey had said? Adam worked for NASA? Ronan smiled at that. Of course he would, the nerd. 

He’d really gotten out. He looked happy and well-adjusted, which was more than Ronan could say for himself. 

And what did Ronan have to show for himself? His career was a joke. He hadn’t played a show in years. And now he was broke, and homeless, and as close to falling apart as he’d ever been, which was saying something. 

Adam didn’t need to be pulled down by that. He deserved so much more. 

Especially now. He’d made a good life for himself. He didn’t need Ronan coming in and ruining that. 

No, Ronan would not be the thing that kept Adam from happiness. He would make sure of that.

*****

Henry raised an eyebrow as Ronan left the apartment in a rush.

“What was _that_ about?” he muttered to himself, curiosity levels piquing by the second. 

“I think Ronan needed some time to process,” Matthew said from behind him, nearly making him jump out of his skin.

“Okay, first of all, warn a person before you sneak up on them like that, please and thank you. And second of all, correct me if I’m wrong, but that whole scene just _reeked_ of like, years of longing and the pain of unrequited love.”

Matthew took a leaf out of Henry’s book and raised an eyebrow right back at him, unsure if he should confirm or deny anything.

“Oh, come on,” Henry said. “You know what I’m talking about. I’ve _never_ seen Ronan look at anyone like that. And I’ve only known Adam for a short time but I’ve never seen him look so happy.”

“If they looked so happy, why do you think there’s any ‘pain of unrequited love’?” Matthew asked, using air quotes. 

“I never said _Ronan_ looked happy, I just said I’ve never seen him look at someone like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like Adam was a ghost, or a dream. Something he never thought he’d see come to life.”

Damn. Henry really was perceptive.

Matthew looked around the room, making sure no one would overhear. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but… you’re not exactly wrong,” he said in a low voice.

“Ooh, do tell!” Henry whispered back furiously.

“I don’t know… I mean, I don’t know anything for sure.”

“But?”

“From what I’ve gathered, I think Ronan had a crush on Adam when they were kids,” he said. 

He didn’t actually think so, he _knew_ so. But somehow telling Henry outright felt wrong.

“I don’t know how Adam felt,” Matthew continued, “I don’t even know if he - you know, likes guys like that.”

“Hmm.”

“Why do you care so much, anyway?” 

“What can I say? I’m a romantic at heart.”

“Uh huh,” said Matthew, giving him a bit of a side-eye glance, “Well whatever you do, don’t push him, okay?”

“I would never,” Henry assured him with a wink, “But maybe a little nudge…”

“No,” said Matthew, “I’m serious. Ronan doesn’t really… date.”

“Anyone?” Henry asked, “Ever?”

“Not really. I mean, he has, but it isn’t, like, a priority for him.”

“ _Fascinating_ ,” Henry said.

“If you say so,” Matthew said, still eying him warily.

“I do say so,” he agreed. 

“I’m just saying, I don’t know if he still has feelings for Adam, but if he does, he needs to be able to figure that out himself.”

Henry turned to look at Matthew. “You’re a good brother,” he said.

Matthew shrugged. “I’m trying to be.”

“You are,” Henry insisted. “Now tell me, what about Declan? Is there someone special in his life?”

“You’re relentless, aren’t you?”

“Like I said, romantic at heart.”

Matthew sighed. “Okay, so there’s this girl…”

*****

Declan looked around the room. There was really no reason for him to be here anymore, with Ronan gone and Matthew chatting with Cheng in the corner. He got up and excused himself for the night, though it didn’t appear that anyone noticed. Typical. 

He hoped Ronan wasn’t off somewhere getting into trouble. That was his go-to when emotional things were happening, it seemed, and after tonight his emotions had to be running at an all time high. 

He’d never met this Adam before. He’d heard about him, of course, mostly through Matthew. Declan had been away with their father that summer, and by the time they’d returned Adam was gone. He’d gathered from Matthew that Ronan had been smitten over this boy, but it was made blatantly obvious tonight. He’d never seen Ronan look at anyone the way he’d looked at Adam when he’d seen him coming in through the door. Like he was some kind of miracle.

No one had ever looked at Declan that way. 

His thoughts turned to Jordan, of course, and how the bed he was now lying in felt too big without her. 

He knew he’d fucked up. It was why he was hesitant to say anything about her to his brothers. 

Had Greenmantle even known their mother was sick before he opened his big mouth? 

Would they still have the Barns?

The practical side of him reminded him that Greenmantle wasn’t someone to mess with. He’d probably been watching them for years. 

He fell asleep still thinking about Jordan, wondering if she’d ever even cared for him at all.


	10. Chapter 10

It was raining, and Ronan was restless. He’d spent all week learning what he could about Adam, without directly asking him anything. They hadn’t had much time to talk anyway, Adam busy with some project or something at work. Ronan didn’t know exactly what he did there, just that it had something to do with stars. 

He needed something to do besides sit around Gansey’s apartment, which was getting old. After his last excursion with the paparazzi he’d been hesitant to be seen in public but he was close to losing his mind. He needed to feel… something. Anything.

He grabbed the keys to the BMW and headed outside. It was still raining, downpouring, really, but he didn’t mind. He liked driving in the rain. 

He gripped the wheel, anxious to get out of the city and onto an open highway. After what seemed like ages, he got his wish, and he tore down the road with fervor, reveling in the way his heart was thrumming inside him. 

He swerved around a corner going much too fast, he knew it as it was happening but it was too late to stop. The car spun on the road, barreling across the line into the other lane and Ronan closed his eyes, bracing for an impact.

It didn’t come. Ronan looked up and watched as the car that had been approaching swerved out of the way. Everything was in slow motion and then suddenly, it was over. His breaths were shaky as he assessed the damage. 

He’d stopped the car, just off the side of the road. It was fine, no worse for wear. His face had seen better days, he noted as he looked into the rearview mirror. He must have smashed it against the steering wheel. 

God. He was such a fuck-up. He could have died, could have killed the other driver. At that thought, he turned to look at the other car and saw someone getting out. Fuck. 

A man made his way over to the BMW. Ronan couldn’t see him very well, not through the haze of the rain pouring around him, but there was something familiar about the way he strutted more than walked.

The man approached the driver’s side door and as Ronan rolled the window down a crack he came into focus. Fucking hell.

“Well, well, well,” came a voice he’d thought he’d never hear again. “Shoulda known it was you, Lynch. You never did know how to handle a corner very well.”

“Fuck you, Kavinsky,” Ronan bit back.

“Maybe later, sweetheart,” he said, reaching in through the window and grabbing at Ronan’s face, inspecting it. “After we’ve patched up your pretty face.”

He dragged his thumb over Ronan’s bottom lip before pulling away, wiping the smear of blood on his pant leg.

Something in Ronan was telling him to get out of here while he could, to just put the car in gear and drive away, but it wasn’t that simple. 

“You gonna invite me in like a gentleman or you gonna just make me stand out here in the rain?” 

“Fuck off,” Ronan said, but he unlocked the passenger side door. He didn’t really know why he did. 

*****

Gansey loved his job at the museum, he really did, but he didn’t like that he was leaving Ronan to his own devices every day. He knew he shouldn’t hover, that Ronan wasn’t a child, but he couldn’t help but worry. He’d done this before, watched from the sidelines as Ronan processed his grief, trying to help in any way he could. That didn’t make doing it a second time any easier. 

When he got home that night, later than usual, he looked around but didn’t see Ronan anywhere. He reminded himself that he didn’t need to actually have visuals on Ronan at any given time, but it didn’t really help. 

Blue was in their room, talking on the phone. Probably her mother, from the sound of it. She looked up when he came in, seeing everything written on his face.

“I’ve got to go, Mom,” she said. “Uh huh. Okay, love you too. Bye.”

“Hey,” she said, reaching for him. He came to sit next to her on the bed and let his head come to rest on her shoulder. 

“Long day?” she asked, running her fingers through his hair. That was nice.

“I suppose you could say that,” he answered.

“I said, fuck _off_ , Declan! Jesus!” came Ronan’s voice from the front room, a door slamming behind him.

Gansey and Blue looked at each other, and then he reluctantly pulled himself away from her

“I’m going to—” 

“Wait,” Blue said, “He sounds like he needs some space right now.”

Gansey sighed. “I know. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should be doing something. Anything.”

“You are,” she said, reassuring him. “You gave him and his brothers a place to live while they figure all this out. That’s far from nothing.”

“It doesn’t feel like enough,” Gansey said, frowning.

“I’m going to say something now and I don’t want you to take offense,” Blue said candidly.

He let out a breath. “All right, Jane, lay it on me.”

She smiled at him. It was mostly warm but a little sad. “I know you love Ronan like he’s your family, and I know you want him to be happy. I want that too. He’s an asshole, but I love him too.” She paused. “But you can’t force happiness on a person, no matter how much you might want to.”

Gansey nodded. He knew she was right.

“Ronan has to process,” she continued, “He needs time. He might not be himself for a while. Or, he will, but maybe not a side of him you’re used to seeing. You have to let him deal with it however he’s going to deal with it.”

Gansey didn’t know if he could do that.

“This is Ronan we’re talking about,” he pointed out, “What if he does something reckless and hurts himself?”

“He might,” she agreed. “If that happens, be there for him. But you can’t watch over his every move.”

“Sometimes I don’t like it when you’re right,” he said quietly.

“I know.”

“I still can’t believe our Adam is Ronan’s Adam.”

Blue laughed. “He’s our Adam?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do. I can’t really believe it either. But maybe it’ll be good for Ronan, to have his old friend here.”

Gansey paused. He hadn’t shared anything he knew about Ronan and Adam’s relationship in the past because he wasn’t sure if it was his to share. But this was Blue, and he told her everything.

“I don’t think they were just friends,” he said.

Blue raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Well, at least not on Ronan’s part. He and I met right around the time that Adam left Henrietta, so I never met him myself but Ronan was… well, looking back on it now I think heartbroken is the best word for it. I didn’t realize it at the time. And then his father died and Ronan was… empty. It was a bad time in his life.”

“Like now.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“Life can really suck sometimes, can’t it?” she said, leaning her head on his shoulder.

He looked down at her and he thought about everything good in his life, feeling a sudden rush of warmth for everything and everyone he loved.

Sometimes, yes,” he said, wrapping an arm around her. “But it can be wonderful, too.”

She lifted her head and kissed him softly. 

“Yeah,” she said, “I know.”

*****

Declan stood on the roof, looking down to the street below him. 

Fucking _Kavinsky._

Of course that piece of shit would show up in their lives again. If Declan had been worried about Ronan before, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. 

The door to the roof creaked open and he looked over to see Adam Parrish emerging from inside.

“Oh,” Adam said when he saw Declan, “I didn’t know anyone was up here.”

“It’s fine,” Declan said, moving to sit in one of the chairs Gansey had acquired recently. He’d mentioned something about having a party up here to lift everyone’s spirits. Declan appreciated the gesture, but he didn’t think it would do much good. 

Adam looked at him for a moment before pulling up a chair of his own. It occurred to Declan that this man had been living in the same building as him for about a week and they hadn’t spoken more than a few words to each other. That would probably be normal if he were living anywhere else, but Gansey really insisted on acting like everyone was related. 

He watched as Adam fidgeted with his hands, looking like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. 

“Is Ronan okay?” he said finally, looking up at Declan. “I mean, I know you’re all grieving…” he trailed off. “Fuck, I’m terrible at this.”

That made Declan laugh, just a little. “Aren’t we all?”

Adam’s shoulders loosened a bit. “It’s just - we haven’t really had a chance to talk, and I feel like maybe he’s avoiding me. Which would be fair, considering how I just left him behind all those years ago.”

Declan scoffed. He might not know all the details of his brother’s relationship with this man, but he knew enough of the details to know it wasn’t Adam’s fault he was taken away from Henrietta.

“You didn’t leave him behind. You were literally taken from your home and moved elsewhere. It’s not like you chose that, and even if you had, your safety and wellbeing had more priority than my brother’s hurt feelings.”

For a moment Adam looked like he’d needed to hear that, welcomed the validation. Then he frowned again.

“Yeah, but I could have reached out to him,” he argued.

“You had a lot on your plate. No one blames you.”

“Are you sure about that?” Adam asked. He was back to fidgeting with his hands.

“Look,” Declan said, “I know Ronan can come off as abrasive. It’s just how he is.”

“He wasn’t always,” Adam said softly, sadly.

“Sometimes I forget that,” Declan admitted. “After Dad died… it’s like he put on this armor, you know? All spikes and steel, so no one can get in.”

“I wish I could have been there for him.”

“So be there for him now,” Declan said, “Better you than Kavinsky.”

“Kavinsky?”

Declan sighed. “Some wannabe gangster punk. They used to hang out in high school. Racing, drinking, setting things on fire. Jesus,” he said, shaking his head with the memories.

“And he’s here now?”

“I think so. Ronan came home with a busted lip and a black eye and won’t tell me what happened. But I saw a white Mitsubishi pulling away and that’s what he used to drive. The whole thing reeks of him, to be honest.”

Adam was silent for a moment. “Do you think Ronan’s in trouble?”

Declan leaned his head back, looking up to the sky. After a few moments he said, “Ronan’s always in trouble.”

“Fuck you,” came a voice from the stairwell. 

Ronan was coming through the door. Adam stood as soon as he saw him, eyes full of concern.

And considering the way Ronan had looked at Adam that first night, maybe it would do him some good to spend some time with Adam now. 

“I’m going inside,” Declan said, standing up.

He left them alone on the roof and prayed his instincts were right.

*****

Ronan hadn’t come to the roof looking for company, but he’d found it anyway. He knew he’d been avoiding Adam, which was stupid. What was he afraid of? That Adam would leave again if he got too close? 

He looked tense, like maybe he didn’t know how to talk to Ronan anymore either. Somehow, that was comforting.

“So what are you doing living in this dump, anyway? Don't you make the big bucks now?” Ronan said without preamble.

Adam laughed at that, releasing some of that tension. “This is hardly a dump,” he said. “Besides, I have student loans to think about. And I’m sure I don’t make nearly what you’re thinking I do.”

“You mean you're telling me you _didn't_ get a scholarship?” Ronan teased. It came naturally, he found, almost like they were friends again.

“I did,” Adam said somewhat defensively. “Actually for my undergrad I didn't pay a cent.” 

“So it was your fancy degree that screwed you.” 

“Yeah. But it's also the degree that will unscrew me eventually. I can be patient.”

Silence filled the next few moments but it was comforting, almost. Then: 

“Adam?” Ronan asked in a small voice. 

“Yeah?”

“It's also the degree that makes you happy, right?” he asked, not looking at the other man. 

Adam turned to look at him. There was something in his eyes when he softly answered, “Yeah, it does.”

Ronan couldn't quite tell what it was because he refused to look back at him. “That's good.” 

“You know,” Adam said, coming to stand closer to him, “I’ve been pretty nervous about talking to you again since that first night. I guess that was kind of stupid.”

Ronan did turn to look at him then. “Why the fuck would you be nervous?”

“I mean, look at you. You're _Ronan Lynch._ ”

Ronan narrowed his eyes. “And you're Adam Parrish. Pretty sure we've gone over this at some point.”

Adam huffed a laugh. “You know what I mean, asshole. You're a goddamned rock star.”

“I don't know if I'd call myself a _star_ ,” Ronan said, working furiously to hide the blush he knew was creeping up his neck. “Besides, I'm dirt poor, remember?” 

He hadn’t told Adam directly what had happened and why they were living here, but Adam was smart and must have figured some of it out. That and the fact that Gansey couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut.

Adam's face softened. “That doesn't have anything to do with it.” 

Ronan studied Adam's face. It was close enough to touch. Not that he'd be brave enough to do anything about that. 

“Well, I guess you're the expert on that,” Ronan said finally. He watched Adam's eyebrows knit in confusion before he realized how that might have come across. He hurried to open his mouth before the confusion could turn to hurt. “Stars, I mean. That's what you study, right?”

“Right,” Adam said quietly, looking at Ronan like he'd never seen him before. 

“So why’d you pick that anyway?”

“What?” Adam said, still distracted by something.

“I mean, why do you study stars? What made you decide to do that?”

Adam looked pained. Maybe Ronan should have just kept his mouth shut.

“I don’t really know when it started but I always liked looking at the stars.”

“Yeah,” Ronan said, “I remember.” 

Memories of countless nights stargazing with Adam by his side, a warmth inside of him that he couldn’t quite explain as he looked at Adam looking at the sky filled his mind. He felt the beginning of a smile forming. They were good memories.

“And I guess I just wanted to get away from everything, you know?”

Ronan couldn’t help it, he winced slightly at that. But Adam’s mind was still somewhere else so he didn’t notice. Good. 

They stood in silence for a few moments, looking anywhere but at each other. 

When Ronan finally turned to look at him again, he noticed Adam beginning to shiver from the cool night air.

“You should go inside,” he said.

“Yeah,” Adam said distractedly, though he turned to the door.

He paused when he got there, looking back at Ronan.

“I just wanted to leave everything behind me,” he said, “And I guess I did that.”

He paused again, then said, “But Ronan?”

“Yeah?”

“I never wanted to leave _you_ ,” he said, looking away. “I… I just thought you should know that.”

Ronan watched as he walked away, a new sort of sadness welling up in him.


	11. Chapter 11

Adam couldn’t get the image of Ronan’s bruised face out of his mind. He’d thought he’d be prepared, after Declan’s warning on the roof, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The moment he’d looked at Ronan, it was like he’d been suckerpunched. 

He knew the clinical term. It was a trigger. Something that might remind him of things he’d rather not think about. 

Knowing this did nothing to help. 

He wasn’t just _reminded_. 

It was all he could see. His father’s fist. Again. And again. 

A shove down rickety stairs.

A kick to his ribs.

Pinpricks of light behind his eyes. Were those stars?

Ronan’s voice had pulled him out of it.

_So what are you doing living in this dump, anyway?_

It had felt like breaking the surface of an icy river, after struggling in the current for so long he’d forgotten what breathing felt like. 

_Don’t you make the big bucks now?_

Adam had laughed then, a little hysterical. If anyone could keep him from spiraling, it was Ronan Lynch. 

As they talked, Adam was able to bring himself back to the present but he couldn’t help but remember the last time they’d seen each other, all those years ago. They hadn’t known it would be the last time, of course. 

And now his parting words to Ronan on the roof kept replaying in his mind.

 _I never wanted to leave_ you. _I just thought you should know that._

God, he hoped Ronan believed him. 

*****

The rain pounded as Adam walked, eyes on the ground in front of him. He wasn’t sure where he was going, really. It didn’t really matter. 

His father had found the money he’d been saving. He’d been so stupid to think he could keep it in the trailer. 

As he continued walking, he heard a car approaching, but thought nothing of it until it slowed.

“Parrish!”

Shit. Ronan. He was supposed to meet Ronan. He’d forgotten. 

He couldn’t face Ronan now. Not with the bruises all over his face. He kept walking.

“Parrish, what the hell?” came Ronan’s voice again. The BMW, repaired by Adam over the course of the summer, stopped suddenly. Ronan was getting out. He had to do something, stop Ronan from seeing his face. 

Ronan probably knew already anyway. There are only so many times you can refuse to go swimming—because that means you’d have to take off your shirt, which would showcase the bruising on your ribs, or the burn mark on your shoulder—without becoming suspicious. 

Ronan hadn’t ever said anything, though, which Adam was beyond grateful for. Spending time with Ronan had always meant escaping his problems for a few hours. 

If he faced Ronan now, there would be no more pretending. Everything would be laid out in the open. 

He’d been so scared of that, all summer. But… that was stupid, wasn’t it? This was Ronan, who’d only ever made him feel safe.

So he turned, and he looked Ronan in the eye. 

Ronan stared right back. Neither boy said anything, standing by the side of the road in the pouring rain. 

Adam watched as Ronan worked through a myriad of emotions. It was almost fascinating to witness, with his face morphing from anger to concern to understanding. He knew what it meant that Adam hadn’t kept walking, knew the enormity of the trust Adam had in him.

“I’m sor—” Adam began, but Ronan cut him off.

“You have _nothing_ to apologize for.”

Adam nodded. Ronan gestured for them to get in the car. 

They didn’t go anywhere. They just sat together in the BMW for a long time without speaking. The silence felt like a gift, though. Time to pull himself together, as much as he could. 

“It’s my dad,” he said finally, weight lifting off his shoulders. He’d never said that before. 

“Yeah,” Ronan said, unsurprised. 

He’d never actually _told_ Ronan about his parents, not explicitly, but what he hadn’t said had been more than enough to get the point across. 

He turned to look at Ronan then, and saw him battling something behind his eyes, like he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure how. Adam knew that feeling intimately, so he followed Ronan’s lead and gifted him with the same silence. But he also rested his hand on Ronan’s arm. 

He wasn’t very good at this, at touching someone with intent. But he was trying. 

“I’m gay,” Ronan said finally.

Adam didn’t look at him. Not because he didn’t want to. But because he knew how hard it was for Ronan to say that, and he knew that his actions in this moment were important. 

“Yeah,” he said, unsurprised. 

Ronan didn’t look at him either. He started the BMW and they pulled onto the road, though neither boy seemed to have a destination in mind.

They drove, and drove, and drove, pretending like they could run away from everything. 

Adam didn’t move his hand away from Ronan’s arm the entire time.


	12. Chapter 12

Henry Cheng loved parties, it was no secret. He loved the atmosphere, the music, the gossip flowing bountifully as he dashed from group to group. 

This party, however, was downright depressing. First of all, there weren’t enough people. The seven people currently occupying the building—himself included—were present, as well as a few of Gansey’s colleagues (boring) and a couple people who worked with Blue at her environmental organization dedicated to protecting the Potomac (less boring, but still not exactly what he was looking for.) 

Second of all, no one seemed to be having any fun. 

Well, he thought, he could change that. At least for himself. 

He pulled Matthew aside, glancing in Declan’s direction. “So you said he’s pretty hung up on this Jordan, right? But he won’t admit it?”

Matthew narrowed his eyes. “Why?”

“Oh, no reason. Except that this party is more boring than the lecture on Welsh history Gansey dragged me to last week.”

“Henry…” Matthew said, furrowing his brows.

“Relax, I’m not going to embarrass him or anything. I just want to see what I can get out of him.”

But Matthew still looked worried. “I don’t know, Henry. I don’t think it’s a good idea. You don’t know him like I do.”

“Precisely. As far as he knows, I have no reason to assume he’s currently… involved with anyone. As far as it appears to me, he is single, young, handsome, and ready to be set up by yours truly. It is what I do best, after all.”

Matthew was shaking his head now, but he was smiling. “You’re ridiculous. You know that, right?”

“Oh, darling,” Henry said, “All the best people are.”

*****

Declan was not enjoying himself, not that he’d really thought he would at this rooftop gathering Gansey had thrown together. He said it was to officially welcome them all to the building, but Declan thought it was probably a misguided attempt to cheer Ronan in some way. 

Maybe he could leave early. But he didn’t really have a good reason to. He didn’t have a job, so he couldn’t fake needing to take a call from work. 

He should get a job. The only reason he was holding out was in hopes that Ronan would want to return to the music scene, with Declan as his manager once more. But Ronan wouldn’t do it unless he really wanted to. There was no pushing him into making music. And so far he hadn’t seemed eager. 

“Declan!” came Henry Cheng’s voice from his left. 

Declan turned to look and saw him approaching with a woman he’d seen arrive at the party a little while earlier.

“Have you met Lilah? She works with our dear Bluebird saving the planet and all that.”

“Nice to meet you,” Declan said, reaching to shake her hand. Oh, how he wanted to murder Henry Cheng.

“Actually I just work to help protect what we call the Potomac, but that’s the Anglicized version of the Patawomeck tribe…”

The woman kept talking but Declan had stopped hearing. He knew it was rude, but he knew a set-up when he saw one and he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t a good time. He wasn’t in the mood.

He was doing his best to appear pleasant, but after he’d had to ask, “What was that?” more than twice it became clear he wasn’t paying attention and Lilah was done with him. He didn’t blame her.

Henry had left Declan alone with Lilah but he returned now sporting a guilty sort of smile. 

“So how did it go with Lilah?” he asked.

Declan glared at him.

“That good, eh?” Henry said.

“I’d appreciate it if you kept your matchmaking habits far away from me, Cheng.”

Henry didn’t blink at the accusation. “Noted,” he said.

“Thank you,” Declan said, done with this whole ordeal.

But Henry wasn’t.

“So… is there a _reason_ you didn’t like Lilah?”

“I never said I didn’t like her. I said I didn’t want to be set up with her.”

“But she’s beautiful,” Henry said, “And passionate.”

“I never said she wasn’t,” Declan argued, voice rising slightly, “Just that I’m not interested.”

“Ah, someone already has your heart,” Henry said, eyes twinkling.

Declan felt his jaw clenching. “I never said that either.”

“You didn’t have to,” Henry answered before flitting away.

*****

Ronan had never really been one for romance. Or sex, for that matter. He wasn’t repulsed by it or anything, and it wasn't like Ronan hadn't dated anyone. He had. It just wasn't something he really cared about. 

The problem was, he didn’t like most people. He didn't see how sitting through dinner or getting a drink together suddenly made one person want to kiss the other, let alone anything more. They didn't even know each other. But that seemed to be expected and Ronan had never had a first date with anyone that made him _really_ want to kiss the guy. And most of the guys he went out with seemed frustrated with his lack of enthusiasm in the physical department, so he'd never really had the chance to get to that point with someone. 

Until Michael. 

Michael worked at the studio where he’d started recording his second album, before his mom got sick. He was sarcastic and made Ronan laugh, which he felt like he hadn't done in a long time. After a while he’d even started considering Michael as somewhat of a friend. When he asked Ronan if he'd like to go out some time, he was uncharacteristically shy and Ronan was caught by surprise. He hadn't seen that coming, but he wasn't really opposed. 

So they went out. Michael didn't rush him or pressure him and Ronan felt like maybe he'd finally found someone he could potentially get to that point with. And eventually he did. Kissing lead to casual touches lead to less casual touches and while Ronan wasn't sure he was _in love_ with Michael he also wasn't turned off by him or his touch and he didn't want to die a virgin so he went for it. 

And it was good. 

It just wasn't amazing, like he'd hoped it would be. He could live without it, if he had to. Maybe that's all there was. 

When his mom got sick and he put his career on hold, he’d broken things off. He had too many things to focus on and keeping up a relationship that didn’t seem to be going anywhere seemed pointless.

He was better off alone, anyway. He couldn’t hurt anyone that way.

Especially Adam. 

He couldn't think about Adam for long. If he did, he'd never stop. So he allowed himself just a moment. For one moment he thought about dusty hair and beautiful cheekbones and the tiny wrinkle that had formed between Adam's eyebrows at some point in the years they'd been apart, like he'd done a lot of frowning. 

And now Ronan was the one frowning. He willed himself to stop thinking about things he couldn't have, and focus on what he could.

Jesus fuck, he needed to get over this already. He'd known for years that Adam didn't want him. He needed to remember that. Even if what he’d said on the roof that night was true, that he never wanted to leave Ronan behind, Ronan couldn’t let himself even get close to thinking that that meant he returned Ronan’s feelings. They were friends back then, and that was all. And now? He didn’t know what they were. 

He needed to forget the way Adam's eyes were like an ocean he wanted to drown himself in. 

Kavinsky was always good at making him forget. 

Ronan pulled out his phone. 

*****

Adam stood next to Gansey as he regaled the group around them with a story about a time he’d been traveling through Europe with Blue.

Adam was… not listening. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t like Gansey. He’d actually come to like him a great deal in the short time he’d known him, and Blue as well. It was just that Ronan was standing by himself, looking down into the street. And Adam was trying to work up the nerve to go talk to him.

He’d been the one avoiding Ronan after his little confession on this same roof a few days before. He wasn’t even really sure why, it wasn’t like he’d confessed his undying love for the man. Which would be ridiculous. He didn’t even know him anymore.

But oh, how he _wanted_ to. 

Just as he gathered his courage, however, and began walking towards the man in question, Ronan leaned over the ledge.

“About fucking time!” he yelled down to the street.

“Shut the fuck up, Lynch,” called a voice back from down below.

And then Ronan was heading for the stairs and Adam had missed his chance. For whatever reason, he still walked over to where Ronan had been, looking down to see a white Mitsubishi. 

“Kavinsky,” Declan said, nearly making Adam jump. He hadn’t seen him approach. 

They both watched as Ronan got into the car. It peeled out down the street and was gone in an instant. 

Declan looked worried.

“Are they… together?” Adam asked. It had been eating at him since Declan had first told him about Kavinsky.

“Honestly?” Declan said, raising his eyebrows, “I have no idea.”

Adam frowned. 

“Ronan was always vague about the nature of their relationship in high school,” Declan said. “It wouldn’t surprise me if they were.”

Something uneasy settled in Adam’s stomach, but he didn’t think it was jealousy.

Well, not _mostly_ jealousy. And who could blame him for that? Ronan had always been striking but the years had certainly treated him well and Adam had a working pair of eyes. 

This Kavinsky just set off a lot of alarms. Adam didn’t like to think about them together in any capacity, really. But who was he to tell Ronan Lynch who he could and could not associate with?

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Declan said, breaking the silence, “How did you and my brother first meet, anyway?”

“Ronan never told you?” Adam asked, though he wasn’t all that surprised. It wasn’t Ronan Lynch’s finest moment.

“He talked about you a lot for awhile there, God, he was so worried when you…” he trailed off.

Adam winced. If he could go back, he’d do things differently. But there was no point dwelling on that now. 

“I’m sorry,” Declan said, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Ronan’s just…I don’t know, sometimes it’s like he experiences things differently than the rest of us.”

“He doesn’t know how to feel things halfway,” Adam said. 

“Yeah,” Declan said, looking at him, “It’s… intense.”

“It’s honest,” Adam mused. “It’s just who he is.”

“You seem to know him pretty well.”

Adam sighed. “I used to.”

“That must have been one hell of a summer.”

“It was,” Adam said, “It really was.”

He paused for a moment, remembering. 

He laughed to himself, thinking about Ronan stranded in the BMW, absolutely helpless. And about how after that first day, he and Ronan just seemed to orbit around each other without trying. Adam seemed to run into him nearly everywhere he went and soon their meet-ups stopped being accidental. 

“He stole the BMW,” Adam said to Declan, coming back to the present.

“What?”

“When we first met. He’d stolen your dad’s car and it stalled on him.”

Declan laughed. 

“And I pulled up on my bike and asked if he needed help.”

“And that was it?”

Adam nodded. “Pretty much. I kept seeing him everywhere after that. The grocery store, the park. It just seemed like, I don’t know, fate or something. I know that sounds stupid.”

“No,” Declan said, “It doesn’t. Although if I know my brother at all, I’d say it probably wasn’t an accident you kept running into him.”

“You think he was doing it on purpose?”

“You don’t?”

Huh. Adam had never really considered that before. He felt himself smile, just a little. 

*****

After the party had started winding down, and it was just those who lived in the building left (minus Declan, who had excused himself with a headache), Gansey procured a bottle of wine from somewhere and they all sat and talked. Adam didn’t really drink much, but he sometimes did, and he hadn’t had anything all night so he accepted a small glass. He’d thought he might be trying to find an excuse to leave by this point, but somehow he was enjoying himself so he stayed put. 

Soon the conversation turned to work, and Gansey insisted he’d talked about his job enough for one night.

“What about you, Adam?” he said.

“What about me?”

“Tell us about what you do. You’ve only really told us you work for NASA and I have to admit I’m curious about just what it is that you do.”

“Right,” Adam said, “Well, I’m an astrophysicist. Which means I study the universe and how it works.”

“Cool,” said Matthew.

“But what does that mean, exactly?” Gansey asked, “What do you actually _do_?”

“My area of research has to do with the stars, their age and composition, and how those factors have affected the history of the galaxy they belong to.”

“I’ve always loved the stars,” Blue said, leaning back to look up.

They couldn’t see much with the ambient city lights, but a few were visible above them.

“I’ve got an idea,” Henry chimed in, “Dr. Parrish here should take us stargazing. I’m sure he knows all the great spots around here.”

Everyone turned to look at Adam.

“Sure, I guess,” Adam said, taken by surprise, “I mean, yeah. If you want me to.”

“Of course we want you to,” said Gansey.

“Yeah,” Matthew added, “That would be fun.”

“Only if _you_ want to, Adam. Don’t let these guys pressure you into anything,” said Blue.

“Thanks, Blue,” Adam said appreciatively, “But yeah, I do want to.”

“Great!” said Gansey, “Then it’s settled. I’ll have to look at my schedule but we’ll work something out soon.”

“Will you tell us something about the stars?” Matthew asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“Um, sure,” Adam said, thinking about it. “Okay, did you know that when you look up at the night sky, about eighty percent of the single points of light you see are actually two or more stars orbiting together?”

“Really?” said Matthew.

“Fascinating,” Gansey added.

“It’s usually just two stars, and they make up what’s called a binary star system. They both orbit a common center, and they can be close binaries or wide binaries.”

He paused, but as he looked around he noticed he had a pretty captive audience.

“Close binaries,” he continued, “are when two stars evolve near each other and are able to transfer mass back and forth to one another. And wide binaries—”

He was cut off as Matthew’s phone began to sound off loudly, the ringtone a horrible sounding song that Adam wasn’t sure was fit for human consumption.

“Hang on, sorry, it’s Ronan,” he said, reaching to answer. As he did he said, “Hey Ronan! I’m putting you on speaker!”

“Matthew,” came Ronan’s voice from the speaker. 

Adam frowned. He’d barely said a word but it was evident he was heavily intoxicated. He glanced at Gansey and saw a matching expression on his face.

“Matthew,” Ronan said again.

“Yeah, I’m here,” Matthew said, enthusiasm levels dropping by the second.

“I just wanted to tell you… ‘m not coming home tonight, okay?”

Something else was off about Ronan’s voice. Adam couldn’t tell what it was, though, and something in him began to hurt thinking about it. Adam used to know Ronan better than he knew himself. Had their separation broken that connection forever?

“Okay, Ronan.”

“Okay,” Ronan said, “okay. Don’t wait up. Okay?”

“Okay,” Matthew said again before the call dropped.

He sat staring down at his phone for a moment, then as if remembering he wasn’t alone, he snapped his head back up with a small grin.

“Sorry, Adam,” he said, “Please continue.”

Adam tried to copy the way he’d seen Gansey, and now Matthew, go from being melancholy one second to pleasant the next, but he couldn’t seem to manage it. Instead, the best he could manage was his voice evening out as he went on.

“Stars in wide binaries have orbits that keep them apart from each other,” he said, “They’re a part of the same system, but they had to evolve separately. Without each other.”

He wasn’t sure he was still talking about stars.

*****

When Ronan woke up the next day, he was pretty sure he was going to throw up. His head was pounding and he couldn’t remember most of the previous night. Not a great sign.

He was in a hotel room, he thought. He remembered leaving Gansey’s “party” with Kavinsky. Remembered driving with him, and drinking with him. A lot. 

He didn’t remember coming here.

The door opened and Kavinsky walked in.

“Morning, sunshine,” he said, guzzling down some coffee. 

Ronan just looked at him, his brain not functioning properly yet. 

“Don’t look at me like that. Gives me the creeps.”

“What happened?” Ronan said, voice hoarse.

“Had a bit too much last night, huh?” K said, laughing. Bastard.

“Shut the fuck up, you hypocrite. I remember enough to know you were just as drunk as I was.”

“Ah, but I still remember last night,” he shot back, a strange look in his eyes. “Don’t think you can say the same.”

Ronan didn’t bother with a response. He was starting to remember vague details from the night before. As he looked at Kavinsky, his stomach churned. 

Something had happened. Something besides the alcohol was making him sick.

Then he remembered. 

Kavinsky had come onto him last night. He vaguely remembered it, remembered how he’d felt rather than what he’d done

It made sense now, why he felt so sick. And it wasn’t because of Kavinsky. Well, not entirely. It was because the moment K had kissed him, he’d known. 

He’d done what he’d sworn he’d never do again: given his heart to Adam Parrish, wholly and completely, and now no other lips would ever satisfy him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been following this story. It's really important to me and has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. Hope you're enjoying it and of course comments are always welcome and always bring a smile to my face! :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of being roofied, but nothing graphic. If you'd like to skip over it, stop reading after "Let's find your friend."

Adam was giving it five more minutes. That was reasonable. They’d all gathered so he could take them to a state park in northern Virginia, about an hour away. It was far enough from the city lights that they’d be able to see a lot, and he was actually kind of excited about it.

Except that Ronan was a no-show. And that hurt more than he cared to admit. 

He wondered if it was his fault. Ever since they’d been in each other’s lives again, Ronan had been acting… hesitant. Like he thought Adam might disappear if he got too close. Adam didn’t really blame him for that, with their history. 

They’d all gone out to a bar one night earlier that week. Adam thought that might not be the best idea, given Ronan’s drinking habits as of late, but held back from saying anything and just tried to enjoy the evening. 

And he had, for a while. The bar was small, and not too crowded. He’d refrained from drinking, and surprisingly, so had Ronan. They’d laughed and shared stories of their lives since they’d been apart and it had felt so nice, so natural, like they hadn’t spent all those years without each other.

Ronan looked good, too. He’d been a little rough lately, scruffy and unkempt, and Adam understood why, but it was nice to see him clean up so well. He’d been wearing his usual black jeans, but they weren’t ripped, and he’d traded his signature leather jacket over a muscle shirt for a dark gray sweater that accentuated his strong shoulders. Adam had never seen the sweater before, or Ronan in anything like it, and it had done something to him. Something he couldn’t pretend not to notice anymore. 

He wanted Ronan Lynch. And more than that, his heart did too.

He’d already known that, really, had known for years that the way his stomach switched places with his heart whenever Ronan looked at him a certain way was _not_ how friendship felt. 

But that had been past Ronan and past Adam. 

This was Adam wanting Ronan _now_. It was Adam looking over at Ronan, who’d just made a joke at Gansey’s expense, and catching his eye. It was a shared, private smile between them that made Adam’s heart beat faster.

It was the ache he felt deep inside him when Ronan stepped out early and left in a white Mitsubishi. It was watching him go, and wishing with everything he had that he could bring him back.

It was telling the group they could wait just a bit longer for Ronan to show.

*****

Ronan didn’t know what he was doing. Everything felt so fucked up, and he couldn’t see how it would get any better. 

Every day, no matter what he did, he woke up feeling empty. Sometimes the only thing getting him out of bed was keeping up appearances for Matthew’s sake. That and the feeling he kept getting, like something was crawling under his skin, and how if he could figure out what it wanted, feed it, he’d be free.

So he’d tried racing, and he’d tried drinking, and sometimes he woke up in places he didn’t recognize with people he didn’t know. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the way Adam had been looking at him lately. He’d first noticed it a few nights ago, at the bar. He hadn’t seen Kavinsky since the morning at the hotel, and when he called Ronan had almost ignored him. But then he saw the way Adam was looking at him, and he had to get out of there.

He would have thought that having Adam’s attention would be everything he wanted, but there was something like a hesitant distance to his gaze, like he didn’t trust Ronan not to explode at any given time, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.

And Ronan hated it because he knew he was right to be wary. 

Having Adam back in his life had felt like a miracle. Trust Ronan to turn it into a tragedy.

Maybe he shouldn’t even go to this stargazing thing. 

After he’d returned to the apartment, Matthew had enthusiastically told him all about how Adam had told them about his job and agreed to take them all somewhere to properly stargaze. Ronan was torn. On the one hand, he’d never turn down an opportunity to be around Adam if he could help it. On the other hand, it felt selfish to bring all of his issues on what was supposed to be a nice outing.

But it wasn’t like he couldn’t leave all that behind for an evening. He could pretend like he wasn’t drowning for one night. 

It would be fine.

*****

Just as he was about to give up, the BMW pulled up and Adam’s heart jumped in his chest. 

“Where are we headed?” Ronan asked, arm hanging out the window.

“Sky Meadows. You just take the 66 west, then onto the 17 north. It’s not hard to find.”

Adam hesitated.

Ronan noticed. “What?”

“You could ride with me,” Adam said, “With us, I mean,” he said, gesturing in the direction of Declan and his Volvo. He hoped he wasn’t being too obvious.

“Thanks,” Ronan said, like he meant it. “But I think I’ll drive.”

“All right, then,” Adam said, trying not to show his disappointment.

Once they were gathered at the park, Adam began setting up his equipment. He felt nervous, strangely, though he’d been excited about it until now. Normally he liked showing off, especially when it was a subject he was passionate about. 

His sudden anxiety had nothing to do with Ronan’s presence, or the way he was looking at him, like Adam was capturing all of his interest. Really. It didn’t. 

*****

Ronan watched as Adam set up a telescope, asking him questions about how it worked. He actually wanted to know the answers, too, which kind of surprised him. Then again, he could listen to Adam recite the dictionary and not get bored. 

Adam was just so smart, and so put together. Ronan was proud of him, and a little envious, if he was honest. He wondered what it would be like not to feel like his entire world was crumbling around him. 

The worst part of it all was that he knew he was spiraling, that this thing eating at him was only growing, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He knew his drinking had become a real problem, but he was powerless against it. Sometimes it felt like he wasn’t even really there, like someone else was piloting his body as he watched from a distance.

Being around Adam helped with that, and that kind of scared him. He hated feeling needy, but that was something else he was powerless against. He needed Adam like he needed oxygen, and he was terrified that one day Adam would leave again and he’d be left to suffocate without him.

He was equally terrified that Adam wouldn’t leave. 

Ronan was bound to explode at some point and he didn’t want Adam anywhere near the blast radius when he did. He’d never be able to forgive himself.

Adam stepped away to set up a second telescope, and Ronan couldn’t tear his eyes away from him. He was in his element here, and Ronan loved being able to watch him like this. He was beautiful, as always.

Then Adam’s phone started ringing and when he looked at who was calling, he frowned and stepped away. Ronan couldn’t hear much, but Adam looked worried. 

“I’m so sorry,” Adam said, turning back to face everyone. “I have to go.”

“Now?” Gansey asked.

“We just got here,” said Henry.

“A friend of mine is in trouble,” Adam explained. “I can’t waste any time. But you’re more than welcome to stay, use the telescopes. Just be sure to pack them up before you go.”

“How are you getting there?” Ronan asked. Adam didn’t have a car.

“I’ll call for an Uber or something,” he said, looking down at his phone.

“I’ll drive you,” Ronan said, uncaring if it was a good idea or not.

Adam looked up. “You don’t have to.”

Ronan shrugged.

“Yeah, okay,” Adam said, “Thanks.”

“Anytime, Parrish.”

And that was how Ronan found himself in a quiet car speeding down the interstate trying to regulate his breathing to sound normal. Adam was still frowning down at his phone, so Ronan took the opportunity to sneak glances at him every few seconds. 

Why had Ronan never seen anyone as attractive as Adam? Sure, he might not be what people thought of as conventionally attractive, but those people were idiots. He was everything that was beautiful and lovely and it felt like every time Ronan looked at him he saw something new. 

He had never, _ever_ felt this way about anyone but Adam. 

It made him want to hold onto that feeling forever. 

He was too broken for someone like Adam, but that didn’t stop him from wishing he wasn’t.

When he’d asked Adam where they were going, he felt uneasy with the answer. It was an area K frequented, and Ronan didn’t want Adam anywhere near him. 

But he pressed on, keeping his promise to get Adam to his friend. Adam hadn’t ever mentioned anyone, but Ronan now realized how stupid it had been not to think he’d have other friends. Whoever they were, they were lucky to have him. 

*****

Adam kept his eyes on his phone, waiting for updates from Hennessy with no luck. He hadn’t heard from her in months, but she was in trouble and that was all he cared about right now. His stomach was in knots. 

They’d met when he was in grad school, and still working as a part time mechanic. She’d crashed her motorcycle, and though it wasn’t exactly his specialty, he’d fixed it up for her and they’d become friends. As he thought about it now, he realized that in some ways she had reminded him of Ronan. Maybe that’s what drew him to her.

Hennessy didn’t like being tied down to any one place, and he was used to not hearing from her very often.

But the postcards had stopped coming. He’d tried to reach her a couple times with no luck, and he worried about her all the time in the back of his mind. 

He hadn’t even known she was back in D.C., but he was thankful that she’d trusted him enough to call him for help. She’d sounded… off. Adam knew something was wrong, but he didn’t know what, and the worry churned in his gut.

Ronan kept glancing at him every few seconds, and Adam turned his thoughts to that for a moment, hoping to ease his anxiety. What was Ronan thinking right now? Did he know how Adam felt about him? Did he know how beautiful he looked in this moment, eyes intent on the road when they weren’t on Adam, moonlight shining through the windows, illuminating his features?

Ronan hadn’t hesitated to help him, and for that, Adam was grateful. It felt like they were on the precipice of some kind of change between them, but he wasn’t sure what. 

“Ronan?” he said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, Parrish?” Ronan answered, eyes dutifully on the road now that Adam was paying attention.

“Are we… are we friends?”

He didn’t realize until he asked it just how much he needed to know the answer. 

Ronan did look at him then. “Well, I wouldn’t let just _anyone_ in my car, you know,” he said, “So yeah, I guess we are, Parrish.”

Adam smiled to himself. “Good to know.”

That was another thing. Ronan had been calling him by his last name more than anything. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done that before, when they were kids, but now he couldn’t remember if Ronan had called him anything else since they’d re-entered each other’s lives. Was there a reason for it? There had to be. Ronan rarely did anything that wasn’t on purpose. Maybe it was a trust thing. Adam knew he’d probably lost that years ago but he hoped with time he could earn it back. He just had to prove to Ronan that things were different now. 

They pulled up to the club Hennessy had texted him the address for, and Adam’s anxiety returned. This wasn’t his scene. He felt out of place, and unsure of where to go from here.

He was sure Ronan saw how out of place he felt. But he seemed to be… not exactly _comfortable_ with their surroundings, but unfazed at the least. Adam tried to copy his body language and failed miserably. The quicker they got out of here the better.

*****

Ronan got them into the club, and they wandered through a sea of bodies and flashing lights. He wasn’t sure why he was the one leading the way, it wasn’t like he knew who they were looking for. 

“Lynch!” a voice came from above and Ronan stopped dead.

Kavinsky was on the upper floor, quickly making his way down to them. Ronan instinctively pushed Adam behind him before he knew what he was doing.

“Well, well, well,” K said as he approached. “Got yourself a new toy there, Lynch?”

“Fuck off.”

“Didn’t answer my question,” Kavinsky said, pulling Ronan in by the collar. Ronan glanced at Adam and saw fire in his eyes he’d never seen there before.

Ronan placed his hands on Kavinsky’s shoulders and pushed him away. “I _said_ fuck off, Kavinsky.”

“I see how it is. Got yourself a new toy and suddenly I’m not good enough for you,” he said, leaning closer, “You weren’t complaining last night,” he added, reaching for Ronan once more. 

But Adam got there first. 

*****

All Adam could see was red. All the jealousy he’d felt concerning Kavinsky turned into molten anger at the way he was talking to Ronan. He didn’t care who this guy thought he was, his taunts couldn’t be further from the truth and Ronan didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. 

“Leave him alone,” Adam said, pushing him away from Ronan. 

They both looked at Adam in surprise.

“I was wrong,” Kavinsky leered, “You got yourself a little guard dog.”

“Don’t make me bite you,” Adam said, having _no fucking clue_ where _that_ had come from.

Ronan barked out a laugh and reached for Adam’s hand as he pushed Kavinsky out of their way. He led Adam away and around a corner before he let go, and Adam immediately missed the contact. 

“I…” Ronan began, “I’m sorry about that.”

Adam shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

Ronan frowned.

“What?” Adam asked him, reaching for his hand again, not holding it, just touching.

Ronan looked down at their hands and gave Adam’s a short squeeze before letting go.

“I just don’t like you being anywhere near him.”

Oh. Adam wasn’t sure how to take that. It sounded like Ronan was being protective, which was kind of nice, really, but he also hated the idea of Ronan having a part of his life he kept separate from Adam. He knew that wasn’t fair. He and Ronan weren’t together - he had no business having an opinion about who he could spend his time with. 

“Why do you…” Adam trailed off, not knowing how to end his question. _Why do you spend time with him? Why do you choose him instead of me? Why do you care?_

“...hang around him, then?” he finished lamely.

“You want to know the truth?” Ronan asked.

Adam nodded.

“I think it’s because… he’s the only one more fucked up than I am,” Ronan admitted, looking at the floor.

“Ronan,” Adam said, though he didn’t know what he meant by it. Just Ronan.

“Come on,” Ronan said, “Let’s find your friend.”

*****

They found Hennessy, finally, after what felt like hours of searching, slumped against the wall on the floor outside the bathrooms.

Adam practically ran to her. 

“Hey,” he said, reaching down to lift her face.

“Adam?” she said, voice slurred.

“I’m here,” he said, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I only took a sip,” she said weakly, and Adam’s understanding turned to anger.

“Who did this to you?” he demanded.

“The bastard,” Hennessy answered, grabbing onto him to be helped to her feet.

“Who?” Adam asked, not understanding.

“The fucking _bastard_ , Adam,” she said viciously, and suddenly he understood.

When Hennessy had crashed her motorcycle, she’d been fuming with rage. Some asshole had hit _her_ , and taken off immediately after. But she’d seen his face, his car. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t even thought about it before.

Because the guy who’d hit her had been driving a white Mitsubishi.

Hennessy had always referred to him as _the bastard_.

“I confronted him,” Hennessy said as they began walking to the exit, “Got right up in his smug face with those fucking awful white sunglasses.”

Adam didn’t miss the look on Ronan’s face as he realized who she was talking about. It was… complicated. 

“Didn’t realize till later that he’d fucking roofied me. That’s when I called you. Some girls were sitting with me for a while but they must have left after I passed out.”

Ronan made a strange noise then, a choked off sound of fury. Hennessy looked at him then, like she’d only just noticed his presence. 

“Who’s this?” she asked Adam.

“Ronan,” Adam said, “He’s a friend of mine.”

“Ronan. That sounds familiar.”

Adam prayed she wouldn’t remember why. Not now, in front of Ronan. 

Because the only thing he’d ever told her about him was that he was basically the reason he realized he was bi. 

Thankfully he was saved from that embarrassment. They’d made it to the car, and Adam helped her into the backseat. 

“Can I stay with you?” she asked him.

“Of course,” he said without hesitation. “You’re always welcome. You know that.” He didn’t add the _especially when you’ve been drugged and I need to keep an eye on you._ She already knew that part.

He hadn’t asked if she’d wanted to go to a hospital or call the police, because he knew the answer. 

“Thanks,” Hennessy said, clutching onto his arm. She pulled him close to whisper into his ear. “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”


End file.
